Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-deux

DON'T SHAVE BETWEEN BIKINI WAXES - Unless you are into self harm that is. Ladies, you will climb the walls if they slap hot wax onto your pubic bristles and yank that shit out. Just be patient and wait for your appointment. If you are desperate and I do mean 'About to have all frill sex with Johnny Depp' desperate then neaten up the sides and trip the bonnet. But even then I'm not even sure it's worth it.

THERE IS A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SAYING WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND BEING DOWN RIGHT RUDE - Think before you speak in other words.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'THAT COLOUR IS TOO BRIGHT' - Too bright for whom exactly? All the beige people of the world? Exactly.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN DECIDING NOT TO DRINK FOR THE EVENING - There doesn't have to be a moral reason, if your driving that's a good reason but if you just don't feel like it, then don't do it. Peer pressure is sooo 1996.

HAVE A GOOD THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN. WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. WHAT MAKES YOU TICK. WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A STAND FOR. WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO PROJECT TO THE WORLD THAT SAYS WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT - Then do it. Just saying that you don't believe in God for example, and not knowing why, makes you look kinda naive. Read a newspaper, maybe learn what your government is trying to make a stand for. Don't get annoyed when others are seeming to 'take over' - it's not their fault that you aren't holding tight on any personal values or beliefs. You kinda made yourself an easy target.

RED LIPSTICK SUITS EVERYBODY - The trick is to find your perfect shade.

DON'T BE CRYING OVER ANY FOOL THAT WOULDN'T CRY OVER YOU - If he wants it he can put a fucking ring on it. innit.

Love your bums x

Art by: Miss Van

Check out my ride ...

So at 28 years of age I finally acquired my driving license. Don't snigger... I spent the better half of my twenties in London...and driving over there was just a decadence that I could not afford.

So anyway, with a license comes some wheels. So I treated myself to a brand new Nissan City Micra. Nissan do them in 15 splendid colours all named after a particular city. I chose Madrid Black. Ain't she cute? Small and curvy...a bit like me.

Dontcha think it kinda looks like a London cab? So I've kinda driven one all along anyway! Kinda. As she resembles the famous car from the Big Smoke, I've naturally named her Queen Lizzy.

And If driving a black cab is good enough for Mossy...well then...you know the rest.

I have my nails done every two weeks like clockwork. So, inspired by my new ebony wheels I had them done like so...

I go to this Chinese Goddess named Nikki. She works from home and after having my nails done for 6 years, I can honestly say that she is the BEST. If you are a Perth lady, get your ass down there and 'ave her paint your talons. Here are her deets: Nikki from FUSION NAILS, Tel: 0431 600 373 - 5 ST LOUIS AVE, HOCKING - WA

Beep beep xx

Australia I'm proud of ya, I friggin love livin 'ere!

(That's my version of the Aussie anthem btw)

So here are a few reasons why being down under ain't so bad. This is my tribute to the country that has done right by me for the last two years.

• Your construction workers are mainly tanned, hard bodied young lads who work with their tops off and make walking past a building site a pleasurable experience. As opposed to the pasty white, chubby middle aged brickies in England who have 10 sugars in their morning brew and scream out, 'awight darlin, show us ya tits' as they bend over and give you a nice view of pasty white ass crack while you're on your way to work.
  
• You boast glorious things like cheese Twisties, RedSkins, and Tim Tam's.


• Because you are a relatively a new country your history or culture isn't as abundant as say your fellow continents Africa and Europe, therefore, music plays a large part in your lives. In a way music (whichever genre you prefer) becomes your culture. This is not a bad thing.


• Many of us can't stand the Southern Cross tattoo, mainly because the person often sporting it is a bit of a douche bag, but really, I kinda admire the patriotism.


• Summer music festivals. The line up, the pre drinks, the build up etc etc...it's better than Christmas.


• Cut Copy, Pnau, Nick Cave, Silverchair, Grinspoon, The Temper Trap, The Vines, The Presets, Children Collide, Tame Impala, Empire of the Sun, ACDC, Crowded House, Architecture in Helsinki etc. You get my drift.


• Coming from Cape Town I am no stranger to natural beauty, but your beaches just make me wanna strip all my clothes off and run into the ocean. The water is warm, the sand is white, the boys are buff and you may run the possibility of being saved by one of them.


• If you play your cards right, your government gives you a hefty tax rebate in June - trust me, this hardly ever happens anywhere else. Plus lets not forget those 900 big ones we got last year. Yes even me, the lowly African, received those $$$.


• You all have livers that could rival the Irish.


• Sass & Bide, Ksubi, Zimmerman, Lisa Ho - you might be a nation that predominately sports shorts and flip flops (thongs) but you have much talent as far as fashion goes.


• I make fun of ya, but I secretly love how you add an 'o' on the end of everything i.e. servo (petrol station), bottle'o (off license), traino (duh), arvo (afternoon) etc Some say lazy speakers I say genius.

I'm not sure why so many of you long to be inn Europe or America because I tell ya what, it's pretty damn fly (and many of 'em) right here on this big 'ol island. Fair dinkum. (Sorry. couldn't help myself).

Happy bloody Australia day!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente et un

TAKE OUT INSURANCE AND SAY YES TO EXTENDED WARRANTY - Yes yes, I KNOW you think it will all be fine and nothing will happen/break/get stolen/have red wine poured all over it, but trust me kittens, as they say...'shit happens'. The problem is, said shit will happen when you're warranty has run out. For like 9 bucks a week you are covered for thousands...so don't be a muppet and be insured. Otherwise, you will have to type your blog from a very un chic internet cafe instead of the privacy of your own pad. For instance.

DO NOT WATCH 'THE HILLS' - Like, I'm like so like totally serious like. I watched it for about 15 minutes and I could literally feel my brain start to crumble like the first cookie in the packet. What the FUCK is that shit?!

DO NOT SPRAY PERFUME ONTO YOUR COSTUME JEWELLERY - It turns it green. Not a good look darling.

IT'S OK TO HAVE YOUR BRA PEEKING THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES IF IT'S A PRETTY COLOUR - Nobody wants a glimpse of your over washed 'used-to-be-white' grey tit hammock, OK? A sexy sliver of turquoise strap or lacy pink peeking our the top of your dress is cute. Manky underwear or wearing your bra as a bikini top at festivals is a bit well...well I'm not gonna say it, but it rhymes with 'Right Mash'. Ya get me?

TRY TO KEEP YOUR PERSONAL PLANS TO YOURSELF UNTIL THEY ARE FINALISED - Otherwise all the little doubters out there get a smug little look on their face. And that will just piss you off. I've lived it, trust me.

Don't make me say I told you so x

(art by Motel 7)

OH no she didn't...

Oh yes I did! After an unsuccessful hunt for blue lipstick a dear friend put me onto this fresh website called Lime Crime and I found the perfect shade of smurf! Don't be too much in awe with my out-of-the box thinking ... I was actually inspired by this photo...

And to my utter joy, I peep'd Acclaims new cover and the broad on there is sporting a lovely sky hue lippy too. Gee, aren't I just like sooo fashion forward? So anyway, Lime Crime saved the day and I found it!

The brand was started by a bodacious Russian lady named Doe Deere, who is based in New York. She specializes in high impact colour and pure dopeness (real word). Check the fiery haired, unicorn loving temptress out..

That's one hot mama, and she obvs knows her stuff!

Come on, don't tell me you aren't licking your smackers at the sheer possibilities of these delectable shades of lippy? And that's not all...Lime Crime do a ridic amount of eye shadows that'll make your lids look like mini candy stores. Get your plastic card out and get shopping for these bad boys, 'cause at 16 bucks a pop for a lipstick and 12 big ones for the magic dust that are her eye shadows, you can't really go wrong, now can you doll face?

So if you want to purchase said goodness and check out Doe's uber cute blog, click on the ad on the side of this page, or the banner at the bottom and it'll link you straight up to cosmetic heaven. That is if your idea of heaven is fresh make-up resembling a jar full of sweets. If not...then we have nothing in common. Unless you enjoy a bit of manhood, then I guess we do.

Peace out sugar plums x

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (5)

... peeps don't take that layer of plastic off the display screens on dvd and music players? Or worse, when they start to take it off then decide not to and put it back, so it has a bunch of air bubbles underneath it? Like FUCK, what are they trying to do to me? I have to pull it off, I just have to.

... when someone says 'oh yeah, the closest ATM/MacDonald's/train station is LITERALLY across the street from my house? Um...unless your house is around the corner and you have to walk for 10 minutes, then yes...yes it is across the street. If you say 'across the street' I expect to look out of your living room window and see the mother fucker.

... bank people that look at your statement and give a little frown or smirk. Oi lady, you wanna take this outside of your little cubicle?

... someone says, 'oh, you know who you remind me of?' and then mention some name ya never heard of so you google the person...kinda see what they mean...and then look for the nearest sharpest object, put it on the floor, and hope you fall over at some point and land on it.

... you are 'avin a lil dance and some bitch who thinks she is like soooo totally mega cute is tryna show off all her MTV dance moves and tries to have a dance off whilst looking at you with those stupid dance faces? I never know what to do other than hold back the urge to kick her in her silly Fred Astaire legs.

... some dickhead throws in a name drop during a convo, even though they know perfectly well you have no idea who the fuck they are talking about, but they just want you to feel like you are some how inferior to them for not knowing who it is? Hey wanker, get your head outta yo ass...it ain't a good look.

Screw the wankers! x

MOTEL7 SOLO SHOW IN AMSTERDAM

Well you all know that my most favourite contemporary artist ever is my girl Motel 7. She is also the wonder behind my banner for this 'ere blog.

She has a solo show coming up in Amsterdam as well as Oslo where she currently resides. So if you are one of those fly European types, make sure you get yo ass down there!! It's at the Willem Kerseboom Gallery in Amsterdam and opens Februaury 6.

Check it...

Motel never fails to amaze and touch me. Not in that way...well...maybe in that way.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 8

SORTING THE MEN FROM THE BOYS...

BOY: Will read the 'to do' list.
MAN: Knows what needs to be done.

BOY: Whining that you don't have a condom and claim that skin on skin is so much better.

MAN: On realising that you don't have a rubber you give your lady the head of her life, and she responds with immense gratitude.

BOY: Lusts.

MAN: Loves.

BOY: Realising that you like a girl, so you flirt with her friend to make her jealous.

MAN: Realising that you like a girl, so you pick up the phone (not text) and ask her out.

BOY: Plays house.

MAN: Builds homes.

BOY: Drinking any form of alcho pop or any spirit diluted with so much soft drink you cant even taste it.

MAN: Anything on the rocks, or just your standard lager.

BOY: Has more muscle.

MAN: Has more vitality.

BOY: Discussing in detail with the lads the day after what she got up to in the sack.

MAN: Keeping the lip zipped and messaging her and thanking her for an enjoyable evening. Whether you intend to see her again or not.

BOY: Drifts aimlessly.

MAN: Aims at a goal.

BOY: Quoting lines from 'Step Brothers'.

MAN: Quoting lines from 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'

BOY: Displaying any form, however mild, of homophobia.

MAN: Being that sure of his sexuality that he is able to befriend and hang out with a homosexual male.

BOY: Disruptive.

MAN: Implements order.

BOY: Getting his woman to order for him and buy his underwear.

MAN: Taking control of ordering the wine and buying his own fucking underwear.

BOY: Won't raise his own children.

MAN: Will raise his own and somebody else's.

BOY: Glorifies his own efforts.

MAN: Celebrates results.

BOY: Fucks women.

MAN: Pleases women.

And that's all I have to say about that x

The eVANgelist

See what I did there? The term is often used in reference to Christianity, where the scriptures often describe "evangelism" as "spreading the Gospel". Well I have you know that there are certain critters out there that have done the very same thing with era's and now we got's a whole bunch of peeps 'brainwashed' into thinking only rocking VANS are cool. As far as I am concerned, they have just made their way on to the ever controversial Obnoxious Owl Beige List.

I bought my first pair nearly 6 years ago, just classic back with a white sole, at the Vans store on Carnaby Street in London. I think they were a bday pressie for my 23rd birthday (you do the math) - since moving to Aus I actually had them in storage back in Europe because I hardly ever wore them. I couldn't believe the Era massacre (and believe me, it's defs a massacre) that was going on down under. All these black skinny jeaned, mo sporting, flanno check shirt wearing, shitty sleeve tattoo wearing try hards thinking they're being dead original and uber cool because hey, Dogtown says it is...so it must be.

(If you look closely, this is me sporting them in 2003 waiting for a tube. Ah...the fresh face of youth)

Anyhoo...this is just another example of something being perfectly dope until a scene crowd hook their little gnashers into it, and rape it for all it is worth.

So now they have gone and brought out some tribute Era's due in Feb. These shoes are supposed to pay tribute to Suicidal Tendencies, the seminal band that first gave skate punk street cred in Southern California nearly thirty years ago. The band like the shoes have inspired generations of musicians and skaters alike. So now all these little followers have to do is wear these fuckers and hey presto! not only do they still get to wear their little pansy shoes, but they get a bit of cred for being mildly affiliated with a band they have only ever kinda heard of. It's enough to make me vomit in my authentics.

Who can blame the brand for trying to be original by bringing out a 'Suicidal Tendencies' era to help fight against the smothering of the these overrated canvas slippers? Although I think it's only going to make it worse. Just another rockabilly tattoo, beanie-in-summer wearing douche will snap up these laces. Hell, Converse are just as rad, if not better, but hey...you just stick to whatever everyone else is doing OK sugar? I'm probs gonna get a bit of a telling off from all era fans, but the thing is...I actually couldnt give a 'hoot' what scenesters think of moi. It's not like the comments would be original or anything. Ouch.

LOOK AT MY TWITS

Twitter Twitter Twitter, follow me on TWITTER!
www.twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl

Bloody love you x

FAITH 47

So I met Faith when I was 18 as she was a friend of my boyfriends at the time. Over the years I have watched her become one of South Africa's biggest artistic talents. One of the things I like to do whilst residing in Australia is to bring attention to the many facets of Africa and help break down the misconceptions that it is just a place about The Lion King and car jacking. I'm not sure I always succeed but it's peeps like Faith that make me proud to be not only a South African, but a Cape Tonian.

Check her latest offering - a short film called EPITAPH which was a collab with film maker Rowan Pybus and musician Inge Beckman which can be found @ http://www.acclaimmag.com/ - stay tuned for an interview with the lady conducted by yours truly ...

Thanks ACCLAIM for recognising Faith 47 and for giving the owl a little plug, you fella's make me feel excited. New issue is just about to hit the shelves. Get involved.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente

IF YOU OPEN A PACKET OF TIM TAM'S, THE TEMPTATION TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING IS FAR TOO HIGH - Therefore, just don't purchase the fuckers.

DON'T PRETEND TO BE ILL OR DRUNK JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND - It looks beyond desperate and pathetic. If you are feeling attention starved, maybe assess your expectations or dump the bozo. Either way, the whole damsel in distress thing is just not cricket.

NOTHING CURES A HANGOVER LIKE A SWIM IN THE OCEAN - And I do mean NOTHING.

WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND TAGGING PEEPS ON FACEBOOK, MAKE SURE IT'S FLATTERING - This should be made fucking compulsory internet etiquette. Because I'm telling ya, that shit has karma.

SHAVE YOUR LEGS (NOT IN FRONT OF HIM) - Seriously bitches, they like us warm, tight and SMOOTH. Don't be retarded and get out the razor.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED WITH THE BITCHING TO MAKE FRIENDS - In fact, you'll probs find you make better friends without a tongue that lashes fire. And really, if you are over the age of 25 you have no business talking shit about kids. Grow the fuck up.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING BRIGHT YELLOW KICKS - Don't be afraid of the daring. Be inspired.

Email me with your Q's at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com. Inspire me x

JUST BLOODY DO IT

My steeze for the weekend. Who said sequins are only for Vegas and sportswear is for the track? Bloody love it.

BEATS THAT MAKE MY LOWER BACK POP

Oi so I hit a 2 day music festival over the weekend, and whilst the obvious such as Moby doing an uber cool Lou Reed cover and the ever mega babe Karin O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's being outta this world, I have to say Major Lazer was a major stand out performance for moi.

Diplo won my heart with the work he has done for my girl M.I.A in the past, but he has now catapulted his way into my soul with his banging dance hall electro fucking dopeness.

Not only that, the boy is so fly he causes me to need a knicker change. Check it.

Now I am so incredibly knackered from a weekend of mad dance skills and beats that I cannot be arsed to load the photo of my outfit that honoured Diplo's performance. Stay tuned for some owliness x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: SUMMER MUSIC FESTIVALS

KNOW THE LINE UP, CHECK THE TIMETABLE AND WORK OUT WHO YOU WANT TO SEE - There will be clashes, this is inevitable. But you what you need to do is work out who is the more 'epic'. Like if it was between say Elton John and The Presets...you might prefer the The Presets over old Johnny boy but ya know you will be banging to those clever Aussies at least another 10 times within the next 5 years but Elton John is someone you tell your kids about. You also may be misguided into seeing something you don't want to because half your crew has the deciding vote ... don't get sucked in. I found myself watching The Prodigy last year instead of Neil Young only to find that the British mentalists are returning this year and I have no idea when I will get to sway my lighter to Mr Young again.

THE ESSENTIALS INCLUDE ... - Sunscreen, a hairband to tie your hair up after you are fed up with it sticking to the sweat at the back of your neck, money, lip balm, wet wipes, sunglasses, painkillers for those impromptu exhaustion headaches and a good attitude.

WATER WATER WATER - Did I mention water?

THE OUTFIT - *YAWN* to the boys wearing denim cut offs, singlets, straw fedoras and those bloody kung fu shoe's. And girls...could we watch out for the dodgy fake tan jobs? Ya look super duper orange in the sun, like a walking bloody Cheezal. Go second hand shopping and choose something original. Flowy little frocks that you take up the hem to de-nerdify it. Or cheap as chips little singlet dresses with flip flops and loads of bling. Whatever, I don't really care what you wear, just don't be fucking beige about it.

PLEASE DON'T PISS ON THE TOILET SEAT - C'mon now. As if the process isn't gross enough.

THE WHOLE 'DRESSING UP IN MATCHING OUTFITS WITH WORDS WRITTEN ON YOUR CHEST IS ZINC' IS LIKE SOOOOO OVER - It's been done.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LINE UP, AND CAN'T BE ARSED THEN DON'T GO - There is some poor sod out there who fucking loves it and couldn't go because it was sold out to some person who couldn't give a shit. Then again, that's life really innit?

WITH THE FESTIVAL COMES THE DRUGS... - Just don't be a silly bugger.

PLAY NICE - Come on...everyone is hot and everyone is sick of crowds. Be polite, offer your water, smile at someone and chill the fuck out.

I'm off to a 2 day festival this weekend...love you lots and I'll be sure to report back. Peace out owlies xx

My Favourite Jacket

Let me tell you about the best vintage purchase of 2009. I went home to Cape Town for a few weeks and visited a beautiful and incredibly chic friend of mine named Lulu who sells vintage clothing off a clothes rack in the middle of Cape Town city centre. She is an African lady with a dope afro - comb stuck in the side and all. When I used to live in Africa she would keep aside anything I might like and call me to come down and have a look. We were tight like that.

Anyway, after oohing and ahing and catch ups I found myself laden with material goodies, when like a magpie, something glinting caught my eye. A sleeve of something spectacular was peeping out from a plastic bag from under the trestle table. Lulu followed my gaze and carefully told me that it was on hold for someone. Look Lulu honey, anyone who is prepared to put such beauty on hold definitely does not deserve to have it. I pulled it out to discover it was a black and gold bomber jacket from the 80's complete with gold tiger print, shoulder pads and a smattering of sequins in all the colours of the rainbow. We were meant to be. It was R250 (all but $50) and it now hangs with pride in my wardrobe.

This is me with my fella's in October 2009 at the Peaches gig wearing it with pink lipstick, my ghetto blaster necklaces (I have several) and an attitude. He who dares ...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt - neuf

TRY TO KEEP UP THOSE RESOLUTIONS - And don't tell every bugger about them because if you fall off the wagon you have a thousand hypocrites pointing their finger. Just do your best...it's all anyone can ever ask of you, even yourself.

IT IS MAJORLY IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO THE BEATLES - And while you're at it, go and see 'Nowhere Boy' at the cinemas. It's the story of John Lennon's childhood. Without old music there wouldn't be new music people. Listen to it with respect.

TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE DOWN BEFORE AUSTRALIA DAY - There is something quite depressing about a forgotten Chrissy tree just stood forlornly in the front room after all the hoopla has died down.

GET YOUR EYEBROWS WAXED AND RESHAPED BY A PROFESSIONAL - You will never look back.

ONLY LUKE WARM WATER AND SOAP WILL REMOVE THE SPUNK OFF YOUR FACE - Cold water just sets it like bloody wallpaper paste and hot water makes it even more slimey. And if the bastard got it in your eye...well, that's just unlucky.

RECYCLE AND RE GIFT - I think it was the Dalai Lama that said, 'There is plenty on earth for everyone's need, but not enough for everyone's greed' - vintage and second hand clothes my darlings...it's the future.

2010 is gonna be a corker, I can feel it x

THIS EXCITES ME...

Cyndi Lauper and Lady GaGa as the new ladies of MAC? Bloody genius if you ask me.