Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE DILDO

We're on the brink of another new year. I realise that it's a cliche, but I love new beginnings. Like starting diets on Mondays, or having a month off from shagging randoms etc...it definitely helps the process of attempting to be disciplined...let's be honest. Also, everyone kinda expects you to be a bit different in the new year...it won't be that obvious because everyone is feeling festive i.e. drunk. So let's embrace the opportunity to turn over a new leaf (I never quite got that saying...who the fuck goes around turning over leaves?!) Anyhow, I'm pretty sure you have your own resolutions, but I'll give you a bit of inspiration - it's what I'm good at. (and yes, that's me in the picture)

LET'S START WITH MAKING SURE THE OPPOSITE SEX TREATS US BETTER - The thing is, you get the kind of respect that YOU think you deserve. Give a dude the impression you will definitely be treating his pants like a goodie bag on your first encounter will (unfortunately) make you look like a tramp and you will be treated as such. Yes yes yes, it DOES suck that they get to go around getting more ass than a toilet, but I think that even that is changing these days...not many ladies are interested in the local man whore. But if you are keen for a bit of no-strings-nookie (in my experience, there is no such thing...but anyway) then do it with someone who is not in your immediate social circle and make sure that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But remember there are always strings. ALWAYS.

HEALTHY EATING AND LOSING THE 2009 FLAB - Ah yes, the old faithful new years resolution diet. I know it well. First thing I did on boxing day was throw out anything in my fridge and cupboards that could make me fat and loaded up on fruit, veg, chicken, nuts and all those boring things. The thing is, I have tried all the faddy diets...the drugs (both legal and illegal), the milkshakes, the soups, the Special K, blah blah blah and it's all fucking bullshit because it can't last forever...and you just end up looking like a baby whale again. A complete lifestyle makeover needs to take place. You actually need to say to yourself, 'If I put this in my mouth, it is going to make me unhappy'. As Kate Moss has now famously said, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'.

OPEN YOURSELF UP TO A FEW NEW EXPERIENCES - No, I don't mean double penetration...well, if you really want to then do it, but I'm not encouraging it. I mean listening to new music, going to see the kind of movie you wouldn't usually be interested in, tasting avocado if you swear you have always hated the stuff (you might not anymore), give that guy your number even if you aren't that keen...who knows?

REARRANGE YOUR HOUSE/ROOM - It's good for you and it believe me, it makes all the changes in your life feel like they are actually happening because you are doing something tangible.

IF YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO THE WIND, YOU CAN'T EXPECT IT NOT TO TELL THE TREE'S - Try to keep your cards pretty close to your chest going forward. If you're like me, then you like to think out loud so use that thing above your neck before your big gaping mouth. I like to bounce my ideas off people and gauge their reaction...but this only works with people who have your best interests at heart....which brings me to....

ONLY SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND DON'T DRAIN THE MOTHER FUCKING LIFE OUT OF YA - And those peeps that are best for you, won't necessarily tell you the things that you want to hear. Remember that.

SORT OUT YOUR FINANCES AND PLAN A MID YEAR GOAL - Mine is that I'm going to bloody GLASTONBURY festival (fuck yeah) and seeing all my English mates I haven't seen in 3 years in June. It doesn't have to be THAT rad, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it's paying off a debt, buying that ridiculously extravagant pair of heels (extravagant = necessary) or dumping your low life boyfriend...just aim for something. The goal posts may change, and that doesn't matter, just keep them on your visible horizon.

Basically, it's time to sort our bloody lives out. Whatever made you unhappy in 2009 just leave it there where it belongs and here's to the future. If it hasn't made it into your life in the present it never made it for a bloody good reason.

I love you (I really do) and happy mother fucking owly new year! x

Holiday Break

Hello there darlings, I'm gonna have a wee break from the 'ol bloggage for Chrissy...but I'll be back quicker than you can say 'hoot' in time for the new year to inspire you for some resolutions. God Speed and Happy Christmas xx

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (4)

...when you are broke and someone gives you money for Christmas or your birthday and you have to spend it on something pathetic like your phone bill?

...when you thought you had meaningless sex with somebody and then you see them kissing someone a few weeks later and the fiery ball of jealousy alights in the pit of your stomach?

...you looked particularly spectacular on a night out and there is no photographic evidence?

...you are trying to be good on your diet and then you visit somebody and they order pizza? And it has pepperoni on it with extra cheese?

...that person that was a complete head fuck a few months ago rears their ugly head again just when you are a) over them and b) in the middle of another drama? It's like they have a bullshit radar or something.

...the build up is better than the actual event? i.e. sex with somebody you've been flirting with for ages.

...teenage boys call you a cougar? How old do you fucking think I am you cheeky bastards?!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt - quatre

NOTHING IS A BARGAIN IF YOU ARE BROKE - Even $2 is expensive if you don'thave it. Don't be fooled by those alluring sales.

THE ONLY WAY TO EAT A STEAK IS MEDIUM RARE - Why have it so bloody that it looks as though it has yet to go through rigor mortis? And well done is just silly.

'FAKE BLOOD' IS DROPPING THE PHATEST REMIXES OF LATE - Yes. That was fat with a p and an h. I'm just gonna say it...he could be the new Soulwax for me. It's love people.

IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 24 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS GETTING FRISKY WITH TEENAGERS - They make look tight, but let them be young and keep your jaded over experienced paws to someone your own age.

DON'T THINK YOU CAN HAVE MEANINGLESS SEX WITH FRIENDS ... - It's NEVER meaningless.

DON'T FLIRT WITH HIS FRIENDS - It makes him angry and it makes you look like a hussy. Why make your life any more dramatic than it needs to be?

IF YOU DON'T WASH YOUR CEREAL BOWL AS SOON AS YOU ARE FINISHED, YOUR CORNFLAKES WILL SET DIAMOND HARD TO THE SIDE - And those suckers are never coming off. So don't be dirty whore and wash your bloody dishes.

Wow...it's almost Christmas guys...I feel a special edition coming on...xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt - trois

WITH THE GOOD, MUST COME THE BAD - If you don't have a few fuck wits running around and pulling you down and kicking you in the proverbial face, then you wouldn't appreciate the bodacious peeps out there that make living worth while. So don't react towards too much of the negative energy...take it on board...see if it feels right and whether you can take something from it...then let it go and keep your head up and your eye on the ball. It's like playing Super Mario and the little toadstool and turtle things try to piss on your parade along the way because they don't want you to get Princess Peach. What would Mario do? He'd jump over them and kick them in the gonads and acquires a gold coin in the process. (The last time I played Super Mario I was 12 and it was on Nintendo with one of those cartridges that could hold 812 games or something). The only time they get the better of him is when he doubts himself. Don't be that kind of Mario.

SPEAKING OF PRINCESS PEACH... - Everyone should listen to Peaches. That bird is the dopest of the dope. She has a mouth like a trucker and is still grooving and looking hot in her forties. She is proof it can be done.

SLAP ON THE EYE CREAM - I've said this before. But I'm telling ya, other than your hands, those are the first things that tell your age. So don't skimp and get a good one . Elizabeth Arden Privage is pricey, but I swear to God it acts like Polyfiller for the skin. Why is it that we would spend the dosh on shoes which we only wear on a few nights out, but not on our skin that is with us forever?

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT - Get involved with the 'ol sunscreen too. Keep the leather look for your belts and shoes ... burnt skin ain't chic honey.

IF YOU HAVE A GUT, YOU CANNOT WEAR A BIKINI - Let's not kid ourselves. Nobody wants to see lumpy flesh hanging over what is essentially underwear on the beach. Get a sexy one piece (there are plenty about) and get one with a plunging neckline that shows off those bazoonga's. Hide the flaws and get out the flawless. Hey man, I wear red lipstick, chandelier earings and Cha Cha Gabor style sunglasses to the beach...who said we have to be all 'surfs up' about it?

God bless my little owlettes xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE DEFINITION OF 'BEIGE'

• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin - Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg...so yes, I guess you could get more boring.

• Having specific nights to do everything..i.e. Monday is laundry night, Tuesday we nip down the grocery store, Wednesday we have sex etc etc Get yourself a life...they're nice.

• Being a scenester and all looking the same, then going to a gig to be 'seen' on the 'scene' and just standing against the wall looking miserable in your over styled ensemble.

• French mani's...or worse...french pedi's! Who the hell wants brilliant white toe nail tips?! (cue attack)

• Missionary position - we've come a long way now people. Although, sometimes this can be just what the doctor ordered - so let's call this more of a 'tan' than a 'beige'.

• Those bloody magazines that have pictures of a celeb (usually Sienna Miller or someone from Gossip Girl) and then they tell you where to shop to get the exact same outfit 'on a budget' - oh my shattered nerves.

• Poland. (sorry Poland)

• Those 'built to plan' houses furnished with the same old shit from IKEA. Then everyone sits on their beige sofa (come now, we know it's gonna be beige), watching Australian Idol, eating dinner off their laps (chicken parma or spag boll with 'fake' Parmesan) and then off to their beige beds to have sex in the missionary position or not at all. This is my worst nightmare realised. (*NOTE: I enjoy IKEA - but we all know what I'm talking about here)

• Tattoo's that are like so fully symbolic with a squillion meanings and the person goes on and on about the different colours and how they thought about the design and how it didn't hurt at all until they got to the boney bit blah blah blah. Get over your beige selves.

• Decorating your bathroom with a 'nautical' feel and putting seashells everywhere. Oh God. It's been done.

• Facebook Status updates that say, 'It's raining! On a day like this all I want to do is snuggle in bed and watch DVDs' - oh wow! What a good idea! Nobody else ever thinks of that...so glad you gave us such a brilliant plan! Jesus, the beigness is blinding.

• Luke warm coffee. Why is it that I have to ask them to make it 'extra hot' these days? Luke warm ANYTHING is just not enjoyable.

• 'All Age' gigs. As a friend once said; watching a band without a drink in your hand is like having sex with your clothes on. It's OK. But it's not ideal.

• Skinny jeans. Vans. a Mo when it's not Movember. Flanno. Beanie (even in tropical weather). You're like so anti everything, yet you're like so mainstream. Like oh my gosh.

• 'Themed' parties. I'm so over them I couldn't BE more over them. Let's all make a 'beige' themed party and go as a slutty nurse or something.

• Finding the perfect 'shade' of paint for your IKEA house. Let's get real...you know you're just gonna choose beige.

• Toast with nothing on it.

• Telling me a long drawn out story about your child's bowel movements. Hey man, you chose that life - spare me the details.

Beige isn't a colour. It's a lifestyle choice.

TWEET ME ON TWITTER YOU TWATS

Hi there lovelies, if you would like to get short little snippets of Obnoxious Owliness then follow me on this 'ere Twitter thingo.... http://twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl - hop to it! x

OWL INTRODUCES: LUKE THOMPSON - PHOTOGRAPHER

If I'm being honest, I was a little nervous to do this interview...it's obviously a little intimidating to interview someone whom you admire and who's work you think is dope...yet you know nothing about it and don't want to come off as ignorant. Getting to know Luke, I was a little surprised by his modesty and humbleness, especially as he has achieved quite a bit for his mere 24 year old age - there is something to be said about having your name amongst the guys he admires as a senior photographer for SLAM magazine. A Western Australian fella, reared in Margaret River before moving to Perth with his mother as a kid, Thompson began rolling on a skateboard before he ever picked up a camera - and it's been a match made in heaven ever since. Behind this guys soft spoken voice and quirky style of dressing lies a burning desire to keep on achieving, meeting people and broadening his horizons. He thinks long and hard before every question, which tells me that being understood and taken in the right context means a lot to him. The founding member of shredtavern.com has his finger in so many proverbial pies and so many plans swimming in his visionary mind that he sighs and yawns often and seems a little frustrated that there is quite frankly, not enough time in the fucking day. So let's explore the mind of the multi talented, crazy creative man that is...Luke Thompson.

Q: HEY LUKE, THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME OUT TO SPEAK TO OBNOXIOUS OWL. YOU ARE A BUSY MAN, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON THIS WEEK?

A: No worries Ms Owl - thanks for interviewing me I'm honoured. I do like to keep busy. My 'to do list' this week includes to finish post processing for a shoot I did on the weekend, working at Camera Electronic, put in the new kitchen bench I bought for home last week, finish planning and organising a location fashion shoot for local label 'Little Gracie' which is coming up at the end of the month. We are also driving a few hours north to shoot on a farm for the weekend, all the while fitting in a few ShredTavern updates. Oh and I think I'm going to the zoo with some friends to have some fun on the weekend.

Q: WHAT MAKES TAKING PHOTOGRAPHS OF SKATEBOARDING MORE APPEALING THAN FILMING?

A: Well after spending hundreds of hours filming and editing "View" for Folklore Skateboards I was a little burnt out on the whole filming process. I wanted to do something creative and still be involved with skateboarding but I didn't want the duty of being there to film every single trick. With photography, it was more about choosing the best things to capture rather than capturing everything. Also it was a new game with new rules and techniques to learn about, and I do love learning some new tricks. It was before filming had finished that I got really stoked on shooting photos though.

Q: TELL US ABOUT THE FIRST PHOTO THAT WAS PRINTED AND HOW DID YOU FEEL?

A: The first photo I had printed was of Barry Mansfield doing a kick flip in Claremont. It was published in the Slam skate mag photo annual. I was really really happy about it of course. I was so stoked that it was a photo of Barry too. He has been one of my closest friends for so long. It is still one of my favourites.

Q: WHAT MAGAZINES AND COMPANIES HAVE HAD THE PLEASURE OF LUKE THOMPSON SNAP SHOTS?

A: So far I've had the pleasure of having my photos published in and working for Slam Magazine, The Skateboarders Journal, Staple, Concrete Wave, Waves, GMTA Skateboards, Element, Folklore, Four Skateboards, Hurley, Emerica, Momentum Skate shop, Monster Children Magazine, Volley SS, Slap, Toni and Guy, Otis Elevators, Australian Skate park guide 2007 2008 2009 editions, Corbin Harris ultimate guide to skateboarding, Beyond Skate shop, The Naked Flower, BlackSheep Distribution, Picture Wheels, Afends Clothing and Life Lounge. Currently looking for more work to challenge and inspire.

Q: SO BESIDES SKATEBOARD RIDING PICCIES, WHAT ELSE DO YOU LIKE TO SHOOT?

A: I love to shoot photos of life, my friends, interesting people, people being themselves, beautiful things, strange things, ideas. I want to start shooting more fashion on location as it is something that has always interested me and I know I will enjoy the experience of working with creative people. The thought of taking studio lighting to remote and visually stunning locations gets me quite excited. Also band portraits, musicians and portraiture in general is something that I want to explore. There is a few personal projects I'm working on at the moment that are very fun, but I won't talk about that too much. You'll see when it's finished.

Q: WHAT IS THE MOST RANDOM THING YOU HAVE EVER PHOTOGRAPHED?

A: The most random! Well that is a hard one. I've photographed many unusual things. I guess random photos just happen in your day to day life and if you have a camera handy you might be lucky enough to capture it.
Here is a short list of some of the more unusual things I have captured simply by having a camera on me at the right time:

A rubbish truck dump all the rubbish in the middle of the street by accident.
Roadkill.
A man doing a poo out of a tree into a river
Homemade tattoos done on pure impulse.
Mother and daughter going for a walk in matching pink tracksuits.
A friend getting arrested.
A monkey masturbating.
A car accident.
Paint sniffers.
A kid pissing in the playground.

Q: I ALWAYS SEE YOU AROUND TOWN AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CAMERA SWINGING FROM YOUR NECK...DO YOU JUST SNAP ALL DAY AND NIGHT?

A: I don't shoot enough to be honest. I want to shoot more photos than I do. However I do carry a camera whenever possible because you never know what might happen. I've captured some pretty outrageous things simply by having the camera ready and the courage to point it.

Q: TELL US ABOUT SHREDTAVERN.COM...

A: ShredTavern.com was something that started quite a while ago but took a little kick from my associate and friend Jaime Fazackerly to really get going. It is basically a blog where we can share things we do, photos of our friends and their culture, anything interesting, and also just to let people know that we exist and we want to meet you and have fun. Go check it out and browse through some of the content then join our fan page to make sure you'll get an invite to our next party.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR MOST FAVOURITE THING TO LISTEN TO, EAT AND DO?

A: I really have a hard time choosing favourites. My brain seems to constantly think of possibilities and I just can't choose which one is the best out of them all. I enjoy many things for many different reasons depending on how I am feeling at the time. Things I like listening to are good conversation, people having fun, music, laughter, rain on a tin roof (reminds me of my early childhood), fire crackling, waves crashing, soft breathing.
My favourite things to eat are real foods. Not processed things. Simple foods like fresh fruit, vegetables, red meat, chicken, fish, nuts, wholegrain breads, meals at my grandma's house, cheese and crackers, salami, a lamb roast, milk. I do like beef jerky too, but not that over processed crap that looks like a schmacko. I used to love candy but I just don't eat it these days, I didn't enjoy the sugar highs and lows it would bring.
My favourite things to do are learn something, shoot photos, share time with friends, ride skateboards, be close to people. I love planning adventures and going on them just as much. Express myself. Exercising my power to make a positive change in my environment is a pretty great feeling.

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?

A: I can't remember the last movie I saw actually. But the last movie I saw that made an impression was called "The Fall" and directed by Tarsem Sing. I strongly recommend you should all go out and watch this movie! It is a tale about love, hate, success, failure, lies, fantasy, reality, deception, victims, consequences beauty and so much more. The story alone is an epic and worth knowing, whilst at the same time you could watch it on mute and still be mesmerized. The visuals created are so stunning, I was really blown away by the world depicted in this story.

Q: SO WHAT IS LUKE THOMPSON'S BIGGEST DREAM?

A: These are some of my biggest dreams. I may not achieve all of them and I'm comfortable with that. But these are some of the things I dream of. Shoot high fashion on the edge of a volcano crater. To shoot beautiful women in harsh landscapes. Catch something with my bare hands and eat it. Shoot promo and cover art for feature films. Get lost at sea. Direct a music video. Own a nightclub. Grind a real handrail on my skateboard. Build a house. Meet an alien. Tour the world. Wrestle a crocodile. Go into outer space. Be on television. Own a cool robot. Invent something. Shoot photos of outstanding people. Design menswear. Visit a meteor crater on earth . Basically I want to work really hard, be good at what I do, be close to good people, experience life, express myself, and share my success' and failures with someone.

Q: SO HOW ABOUT THAT OBNOXIOUS OWL EH?

A: Oh Obnoxious Owl!! Your just a cute little owl telling people how it is. It's very refreshing and entertaining. Don't ever stop, the world is your oyster. Or perhaps your mouse, Owls eat mice right? Thanks so much for choosing to interview me I feel very special to be featured on your blog.

www.lukeshootsphotos.com

AW SHUCKS LUKE X

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 7

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF YOU LIKE A GIRL, THEN DON'T BE HOOKING UP WITH OTHER BROADS - She will find out and your chances will be ruined. RUINED.

SAYING THINGS LIKE 'SIT ON MY FACE' OR 'NICE TITS' WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR YOU - Actually, I would be VERY interested to know if you have ever said these things to a complete stranger and you got laid...please let me know.

JUST BEING IN A BAND WILL NOT MAKE ALL GIRLS FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU - So you have a mediocre job, smoke weed all day and night, are drunk most of the time, sex text other birds and never take a shower....oh but you're in band you say? Well in that case...

PLEASE KEEP YOUR TOP ON AT MUSIC FESTIVALS - I don't care how long you have worked on your tan and pecs...but the whole top off thing is incredibly self indulgent. We can tell the difference between someone that is genuinely feeling the heat and needs to remove some clothing, and those that are prancing around like little narcissistic peacocks...emphasis on the word 'cocks'.

OF COURSE WE LOVE THE TASTE OF YOUR MAN JUICE ... - Don't you?

'FAN' ART

Another wondrous reader has sent me in this visionary delight. Up and coming graphic designer Dean Raphael - isn't it just marvelous? Send me art people, I love it! Or presents...whatever.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: A FEW HOME TRUTHS

SOMETIMES, YOU MIGHT MEET YOUR GREATEST FRIENDS LATER ON IN LIFE - I have met the best friend I have ever had at the age of 28. He is male and he is only 21. Hollywood and the norm tells us that your greatest friends are usually your friends you've known the longest...I don't think this is the case. Often, the best friends we have are the ones we meet during the time we are most comfortable with ourselves - thus meaning that the person you have befriended knows the real you. Some of us may have found our mates at a younger age...well, you are bloody lucky.

NOT EVERYONE IS DESTINED TO GET MARRIED AND BREED - Geez and you ain't a failure if you don't do those things either. If you meet someone super fantastic and you know it's gonna be mega awesome then get married and have a ball - but life isn't necessarily about finding that one true mate and living happily ever after...God it's so frikkin dangerous to think like that! What if you never meet them? You die alone and unfulfilled? What a load of God damn rubbish. I reckon learn to be alone, and learn to be happy on your own. Then if you do manage to find some dreamy individual ... then you have managed to find someone worth witnessing the event that is your life...but the overall trick is to have a life worth witnessing.

DOGGY STYLE IS THE BEST POSITION - Sorry. But it is.

EVERYONE NEEDS A PURPOSE IN LIFE - Whether it's waking up to look after your offspring, your job, your long term goals, or writing your ultra chic blog - it will keep that hamster wheel turning in your head. Waking up to finish those beers in the fridge, getting stoned and doing a job that neither enhances nor makes use of your immense capabilities (and they ARE immense by the way) is just a waste of a perfectly good life and nothing but a mediocre existence. Your wheel may still be turning...but the hamster is dead.

BARBIE DOLL BROADS AND OVERLY GROOMED DUDES CAN GET FUCKED - Eat a burger once in a while and come down to earth from your overly tanned cloud and party with us. Those that are less 'each to their own' and more 'each to their clone' make the world a beige place to live in. And we all know how I feel about beige.

IF YOU CAN'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR THRUSH SITUATION, PERIOD PAINS OR HOW YOUR BOYFRIEND FAILS TO MAKE YOU CUM THEN SERIOUSLY, WHO ELSE CAN YOU TELL? - Let's get out of the dark ages please and talk about things that are fucked. It's a calming realisation that we are not alone in our turmoils.

IF YOU CHECK YOUR PARTNERS PHONE AND EMAILS - YOU WILL GET UPSET - Quite frankly if you find something you don't like, it's your own bloody fault. Keep your nose out of their business you crazy bitch. The fact that you are tempted shows a crack in the 'ol refuckinglationship so don't dig your hole even deeper with being a dirty snoop a loop. We all have a bit of banter and harmless flirting going on with someone, whether we are in relationships or not and I do mean ALL OF US. We are human beings and we like to be admired and to know that we 'still have it'. It's whether we act on it or not that makes us the dickhead. So you reckon that it's a good thing that he isn't cheating on you just because he doesn't have a chance because you are like a private detective? Sweety, you are just gonna make him want to lash out and do something silly, just to prove that he can. Let's not be silly now and put down the mobile phone...it doesn't belong to you.

'OMG...HOW DO YOU THINK THAT TATTOO IS GONNA LOOK ON YOUR WEDDING DAY/WHEN YOU'RE OLD/WHEN YOU HAVE TO PICK UP YOUR KIDS FROM SCHOOL?' - I reckon it will still look dope thanks.

Why don't you cry about it x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt-deux

GET YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP - Because without it, you are a moody, cranky bitch and you will get bags under your eyes. Louis Vuitton bags, but bags none the less. Just make sure that you get to bed before 10pm at least 3 times a week. You'll feel better for it, I swear!

FRIDAY!! WOOHOO - SO GLAD IT'S WEEKEND!!! - Oh my good gracious God this is almost as irritating as Tyra Banks. Just chill the fuck out man. Living from weekend to weekend is a complete waste of life. Catch a mid week movie, a catch up with some mates at a pub - have everyone over for dinner...whatever...just please stop with the weekend euphoria.

HAVE AN APPRECIATION FOR OLD MUSIC - Because without it, we wouldn't have new music. 'Does it offend you yeah?' is not the height of musicality - trust me.

IF THE DUDE CANCELS YOUR DATE AND DOES NOT RESCHEDULE STRAIGHT AWAY THEN BE UNAVAILABLE - Um excuse me, you have a life - and he was lucky you were able to fit him in, in the first place. Don't be waiting at his beck and bloody call - you have other things to do...such as juggling other guys, getting your beauty sleep, working on your career and taking over the world. Mr 'I cancel dates with hot chicks 'cause I'm an idiot' can just hold on for a second.

SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD JUST SAY YES TO THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO - No...I don't mean sex with weirdo's, that's just not chic. I mean things like camping, or going to that gig that you aren't particularly interested in. This is when you will find yourself having an adventure and possibly meeting some wonderfully random people. Put yourself out there my darlings.

EVERY GIRL SHOULD OWN A DRESS THAT CINCHES THE WAIST AND PUSHES OUT THE BOOBIES - Well, I mean the curvy girls anyway. Every skinny girl should own one of those bodycon dresses that grip your body. Be unknowingly seductive schweetie. As a woman, you are more powerful than you realise.

Big love x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt et un

IF YOU ARE GONNA SHAG ONE OF YOUR MATES, BE PREPARED FOR THE CONSEQUENCES - You have had the mild flirtation for a while, you get on well and you find them incredibly attractive so one drunken night you act on your animal instinct. Things will be awkward for while...but ride it out...don't lose a mate because you couldn't hold your liquor...or onto your knickers for that matter.

IF YOUR ACRYLIC NAIL FALLS OFF DO NOT STICK IT BACK ON WITH SUPERGLUE - It will gather fungus and turn a putrid shade of green. Apparently. I wouldn't know or anything.

REALLY? YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BOWL OF PASTA? - Yeah OK, go right ahead. Don't come crying to me when you are more swollen than you are svelte on the beach this summer.

HECKLING PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO GIVE A SPEECH IS NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER - Geez, the amount of 21St's and weddings I've been to where they just don't give the poor person a chance to say the words they've been agonising over. And yelling 'shut the fuck up, blah blah wants to speak' - just kinda takes away the class from the entire event...so I'll do it for you...ehrm...'Shut the fuck up, and let him/her speak!' Attention seeking dickheads.

HAVING SEX IN THE SHOWER IS OVERRATED - I'm sorry. But it is. It is also an accident waiting to happen. ESPECIALLY if you have a shower curtain and not a door. Ouch.

LEARN TO WALK IN HIGH HEELS - Seriously girlie's...it's like watching Bambie learn to walk sometimes. Bloody knees buckling everywhere and you just look more awkward than you do sexy. Get with the programme and practice at home.

LISTEN YOU OVERLY SKINNY BITCHES WHO CARRY ON ABOUT BEING 'TOO SMALL TO FIT INTO ANYTHING' OR FACEBOOK UPDATES ABOUT 'NEEDING AN XXXXX-SMALL AND CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE' - YOU. ARE. FOOLING. NOBODY - You know you look hot, so shut the fuck up. Or I will kill you. Or at least stand sideways so that I can't see you.

LISTENING TO 'THE STROKES' WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON - Fact.

C'est la vie x

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (3)

...you've just put in a fresh tampon and then like 5 minutes later you need the toilet? It's such a waste of those white cigars.

...when you meet a dude, and you start talking to him and he drops it into conversation after like 5 minutes that he has a girlfriend? Um, calm down honey...I only asked if that seat was taken.

...when you ask one of your girlfriends if you look fat or if your hair looks alright and they just keep saying you look amazing even though you know you don't? Seriously, just be honest and stop trying to be such a frikkin people pleaser.

...you are horribly hungover on a beautiful day? And you know what makes it EVEN worse? Going through your sent text messages from the night before...fuck.my.life.

...you have been having an ongoing flirtatious relationship with a male friend that you find incredibly attractive, and then, you finally have sex and it becomes awkward and the flirtation disappears? You needed to know what the sex would be like, but the thought of it was more exciting than the event? It's a double edged sword this mating game.

...those mother fucking wankers put those God awful photos of you on facebook? Like seriously, it's just downright mean and a form of cyber bullying. WHY did you have to put that photo of me just about to put a massive fork full of food in my mouth and then have the audacity to TAG the fucker and put a 'witty' (debatable) comment underneath it. This means war...

OWL INTRODUCES MAKE UP ARTIST: NICOLA KEEVES

Make-up is my most favourite thing in the world. It never makes you feel fat and it's soul purpose in life is to make you look beautiful. So imagine how much I would adore someone who could apply it in such a way that would make me look like I'd been air brushed? Ladies and gentle owls...such a lady exists and her name is...Nicola Keeves. If you live in the Western Australia area or are prepared to fly her out for a function (it'll be worth it) - Nicky (she prefers Nicky) can make you look so incredible that you will never want to wash your face afterwards. This MAC trained make-up artist and achingly chic broad has made many a lady, drag queen and yours truly feel like a squillion bucks. This is why I've hired her uber dope services for the Obnoxious Owl photo shoot I am doing this weekend. I managed to hold her down for a few minutes to talk about her craft, except she hates talking about it and would rather let her work do all the communication. She is sweet, creative, understands what you want and GORGEOUS (not in a lezza way) - seriously, you would be mad not to book this lass to paint your mug. And here she is...

OWL: What is the biggest trend right now?

NICKY: Well, the smokey eye never really left. Except these days it's not about getting it perfect and over done like in former years - I think the young girls are on to something when they don't take their make up off before they go to bed...because when they wake up the next morning THAT'S how it is supposed to look. Note: PLEASE take your make up off before you go to bed...it's not good for your eyes.

OWL: HAHA, OK so those daft kids are on to something then?

NICKY: Yeah well it's all about looking effortless. All you really need for this look is a good soft kohl pencil and a quality blending brush. Apply your liner as close to the lash line as possible and relatively thick - then take your brush and start blending outwards...the darkest part being on your actual eyelid and gradually fading out...am I making sense?

OWL: Yeah kinda...so in order for me not to look like a Gothic panda - how do I stop it from running?

NICKY: Use an eye primer. MAC does a really good one called 'paint pot'. Using your blending brush, take the smallest amount and apply it to your entire lid and go underneath - basically wherever you think it would run.

OWL: Cool, I'm gonna be getting me one of them paint pots to stop my big owl eyes from running. So, what should a basic make up kit consist of?

NICKY: A face primer * a good foundation - it's important to get the right colour so you don't look like an oompa loompa from the chocolate factory * a concealer - again make sure you get the right colour, you need it to be slightly lighter than your foundation, but not so light that your eyes look like they are on high beam * eyelash curlers - get a good one...MAC, shu uemura and Laura Mercier are the best and they last for ages * black mascara * black kohl pencil * an eyeshadow in a nude colour * tinted lip balm and a bronzer/blusher. Then you can build from there.

OWL: So you've done some pretty out there stuff for me in the past - but then again, I'm an eccentric kinda owl - what other mad stuff have you done?

NICKY: Well I was heavily involved in Style Aid and Perth Fashion Festival and we had some very intricate looks we had to attempt. I've done smokey eyes with black glitter that was falling from the eye so it almost looked like the model was crying glitter, I've drawn little bats on peoples faces for Halloween. I had to do a very strong winged eye for the RUTH TARVYDOS show. It might not have been THAT 'way out', but getting liquid eyeliner straight and symmetrical is no easy task honey. Thing is, I am a fashion make up artist and not a special effects artist. Obviously I do many weddings and school balls, and that is usually standard stuff...the fashion stuff is a bit more adventurous. But it's nice to be able to use bright colours, and glitter and creative eyes...after all, a make up artist is still an artist.

Nicola can be contacted at nicolakeeves@gmail.com or 0430358671
Appointments are going fast so make sure you book in advance.

OWL LOVES NICKY X

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS ... 'WHAT'S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?' - It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don't make us want to kill you. Just don't.

TRY NOT TO ROLL OVER IN THE MORNING AND PROD US IN THE BACK WITH YOUR MORNING GLORY - Seriously. Just ask instead of poking us in the back with your willy like you are all manly with your big stick stoking the fire.

CHOOSING TITS OVER SUBSTANCE WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS IN THE END - Those boobies will drop eventually, and when they do, you best hope she has more beer than foam going on in her head to keep you interested. And don't think that you can just go out and find some new tight ass, because a lot of things on you would have dropped by then as well.

THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD MAKE YOU A CHEATER: Sex texting another girl - better know as 'sexting', sending raunchy emails, asking another girl to send you raunchy emails and photos, phone sex, hitting on another girl when you are out and asking for her phone number and then sexting her and arranging to meet up - even if you don't meet up, you have been intimate. So just because you didn't get any pussy, doesn't mean you ain't a bad guy. So screw you and your fucking loop holes.

The last one goes for girls as well, don't worry...I'm always telling them off too x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THOSE DAYS

SOMETIMES WE QUESTION OUR EXISTENCE - Would anyone notice if we weren't around? Would we have to worry about work, whether our family is happy or not, whether we get on our friends nerves or not, are we thin enough, are we doing anything meaningful with our lives ...would any of this matter if we weren't around anymore. What's the point.

REJECTION - We count on being liked/desired/admired to feel better...to feel worthy. Being rejected is the biggest fear. Why doesn't he like us? Why don't they want to be my friend? Why didn't I get that job? Why have they deleted me from facebook? Why did he check my friend out and not me? All of this causes anxiety and sadness, but mostly, it causes us to be angry and frustrated with ourselves for not being strong enough not to care.

SELF DESTRUCTION - Being promiscuous. Getting drunk. Pretending we are fine by making jokes and laughing at ourselves. Being good actors. Eating too much. Eating too little. Doing more drugs than necessary. Lying to make us appear more interesting. Taking pills to sleep. Taking pills to wake up. Sleeping with the wrong people. Relying on people to make us feel better. Blaming everyone. Blaming ourselves.

ENDING EVERYTHING - By picking fights with our partners/parents/friends. Quitting our jobs. Leaving to go travelling. Leaving to escape. Just leaving ...

A little darker than usual, I realise. But I know if I feel this way sometimes then others do. Because I'm not any different to anybody else. We can dress differently, talk differently and be interested in a multitude of different things. But when the fat lady sings, we all just want to be liked. And we all just want to be happy.