Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt

DON'T EAT THAT WHOLE BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE - Just don't do it. You will hate yourself afterwards. You know you will. Minute on the lips, lifetime on the hips.

DON'T BE MEAN TO BOYS AND THEN GET UPSET WHEN THEY RETALIATE - Guys get a bad rep for being douche bags, but there a lot of young ladies out there who treat the good guys like toilet paper. Usually, behind every 'bad dude' lies a broken heart. But don't completely let your guard down, because there are also many that ARE just wankers.

EMPTY YOUR BIN BEFORE IT STARTS TO SMELL - Don't be a filthy slag.

'ANIMAL' BY MIIKE SNOW WILL ALWAYS CHEER YOU UP - Song of joy.

FAKE TAN THOSE LEGS - Brown legs are the sexiest things in summer. St Tropez is the best brand - hands down. Be sure to exfoliate first and so what if they aren't skinny? Had a look at Beyonce lately? It's all about the junk schweetie.

CALL YOUR MUM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER - She'll bloody love it, and one day, you'll be glad you did.

ONCE A MONTH, PICK AN OLD FRIEND TO EMAIL - It's kinda theraputic to tell them what you've been up to. It will also cheer you up to realise how much you have been doing with your life...or depressing if you have been sitting on your ass being a beige loser. Come now, put the chocolate down, fake tan your legs, put on Miike Snow and plan an outing this weekend. Then next week, email that mate and tell her/him all about it.

Love you x

THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE...2

ALL OF THESE COMBINATIONS....

- bacon and eggs

- porn and sex

- champagne and blood orange juice

- coffee and donuts

- Soulwax and anybody else

- obnoxious and owl

- Kate Moss and Jamie Hince

- red/purple, pale blue/red, marle grey/neon pink

- the beach and a hangover

- red wine and chocolate

- Marc Jacobs and fabric

- Nike and leather

- Converse and Canvas

- summer and boys *sigh*

Whats yours??

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO SPIT BUT COULD YOU AVOID DOING THOSE BACK OF THE THROAT ONES IN FRONT OF US? - We aren't sure WHY you need to spit, but those back of the throat, sinus clearing winners are the most disgusting things ever and put us off you quite a bit.

KINDLY ASK US BEFORE YOU BLOW ON OUR TITS, FACE OR IN OUR MOUTH - A polite warning is the done thing you assholes. Ever tried prying your eye open that has been super glued shut with jizz? That's why we need the warning, so we can tilt our face in such a way that avoids our peepers. All we ask is for a heads up OK?

THOSE NOVELTY BELT BUCKLES ARE SO 5 YEARS AGO - And don't make it worse by tucking your t-shirt in a little in the front to show the bloody thing off. Get over it.

SOMETIMES, YOUR FRIENDS GIRLFRIENDS ARE COWS - Seriously. Girls are more sly than you think - look at your mother for Gods sake. We know how to manipulate and the subtlety of our nastiness reaches new heights daily. When you introduce your girlfriend to your friends, do not just assume that their birds will automatically be her friend. Just because they have a vagina and she is has a vagina and they straighten their hair and she straightens her hair that they will be chums - it just ain't the case. They will be cold, frosty downright bitches but in front of you and their boyfriends they will be sweet as cherry pie, so that when your girlfriend complains about them, SHE comes off as the difficult one because you have yet to pay witness to their fucking rudeness. This doesn't always happen but believe me, it happens more often than not. So hold her hand, check up on her, ween her into the group. Girl politics eh? Who fucking needs it.

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, SIT WITH THE BOYS AND TELL THEM THAT ALL WE DO IS NAG - We're just sitting with our friends anyway telling them how when you finger bang us sometimes, you twist your fingers like you are trying to squeeze the juice out of an orange and you stupidly think we love it. So it's an even trade I guess.

Why do you all have to be so damn cute x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-neuf

JUST TO TOUCH ON AN EARLIER POST... - The following should also be avoided being used as lube: olive oil, Vaseline, lube that is made to 'tingle' (some sadistic bastard made this), hand cream or any other kind of moisturiser, baby oil, flavoured lube (seriously, what are they playing at here?) - stick to KY - or any other brand that has no bells and whistles. Or anything you would use to make dinner afterwards.

DO NOT JUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR GUMS BLEED EVERY TIME YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH - Can you say 'gingivitis'? Well try, because that's what you have. Buy a mouth wash that specifically targets gum disease, same with toothpaste. Floss those fuckers too...yes it's a pain in the ass, but bleeding gums are not chic. And don't give me the 'mouthwash can cause mouth cancer' bullshit. Just stop your gums from bleeding OK?

USE YOUPORN.COM SPARINGLY - I'm all for porn in fact, I love the stuff. Thing is though, it can make you a little jaded and you may lose touch on reality. For example; after watching it for hours the 'amateur gang bang' may become like watching a Disney movie, so you may find yourself typing in 'drunk girl abused on train' into the search engine to get your fix. I'm just saying it's a possibility.

EVERYONE SHOULD OWN A PAIR OF HIGH TOP CONVERSE - And they should be black. I don't mean leave out the other colours, I'm just saying you should have a black pair. It's a classic and is in the same family as blue jeans, RayBan's and white tshirts.

'PLAYBOY', DRAGONS, 'SKIN' AND OTHER SUCH TACKY STICKERS BELONG ON TEENAGERS PENCIL CASES - Not on your car. The odd bumper sticker is alright I suppose. And if you are one of the lucky ones to have an Obnoxious Owl sticker...well...that goes without saying.

peace out x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-huit

DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY - I swear to God this will make you want to kill yourself. Your weight fluctuates and sometimes you are holding more water than usual or you're body is holding onto some stored fat and is about to get rid of it so just once a week will suffice, and try to keep it to the same day. Once I hopped on the scale after a shower and nearly slit my wrists, but then I realised that I had wet hair and still had the towel wrapped around my head. This took off 2 kilos almost. True story.

IF THE DUDE YOU LIKE STARTS TELLING YOU HOW MANY BROADS HE HAS NAILED THEN RUN - Make your excuses and bail on the man whore. Unless you have a void that needs filling. If so, then please reference my Special Edition on One Night Stands.

TREAT THAT YEAST INFECTION - It ain't going anywhere until you do something about it. Various things can cause it...knickers that are still a little damp from the laundry, public swimming pools (major ew) and if you are partial to a little, um...'back door action' then NEVER let him put it in your lady box afterwards. You picking up what I'm putting down?

LOOK AFTER YOUR HANDS - They show your age. Use hand cream regularly, and especially generously before you go to bed. I like Clarins the best, or on a budget...Nivea for hands. And when you are out in the sun put sunscreen on the back of them. Seriously...look at Madonna...her face may be as smooth and taunt as a Brazilian soccer players ass which gives the illusion of her being a spring chicken...but have you seen her hands? Exactly. No botox can fix those bad boys and instead of spring chicken it resembles cooked turkey. Sort it out.

LISTEN TO 'IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE' - Preferably with an open mind.

IF YOU EVER RUN OUT OF COTTON WOOL, I FIND THAT A TAMPON PULLED APART CAN COME IN HANDY - Although, they ARE mega absorbent, so you may find that half the bottle of your make up remover may disappear. Also, with the little string hanging from it, it kinda looks like you are taking your make up off with a dead mouse. But hey, it IS in case of emergency and beggars can't be choosers.

You know it makes sense x

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (2)

...you are sitting in economy class on an aeroplane during a long haul flight and you are packed in tighter than a ducks asshole, and they show adverts for first class on your little tiny TV screen? Um...thanks for that. We didn't realise that first class meant that your chair could recline all the way back into a bed...oh and you can have a massage too? Oh wow, AND you get complimentary slippers and pyjamas? GEE WHIZZ, if we'd have known THAT we would have spent that extra $20 000! I never say this word but 'c*nts'.

...you wake up in the morning feeling pretty perky. You feel amazing in your outfit and you apply your make up like you never have before, you SWEAR everything just fell into place. Then you run into nobody, and nothing exciting happens during the entire. bloody. day? - what a frikkin waste.

...when it starts pissing it down as soon as you leave the hairdressers and your $100 haircut and blowdry is gone, and you are left looking like Diana Ross on crack?

...scene kids start to 'love' your favourite band? What the hell do they know?

...when you walk into a party or gathering and say a general 'hi' to everybody and nobody responds and just kinda gives you a half smile. And then they all watch you look for somewhere to sit and get comfortable and carry on with whatever boring, beige conversation they were having?

...when you give a friend a present that you spent alot of money on and knew she would like, and when she opens it in front of said crowd she doesnt get too excited and just kind of murmers her gratitude...um, you'll get poo wrapped in brown paper next time if you're not bloody careful.

Yes. I'm annoyed.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ONE NIGHT STAND

KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF IN FOR - Do you think you might like the guy? Are you able to do this and not feel the need to compulsively message and facebook stalk him afterwards? Are you sure you are doing it because you are really horny and not just because you are attention starved? Think about these things sugar. And answer them truthfully. Because if you think you might want more...then stop yourself. Easier said then done I know. I'm like a frikkin express train...ever seen a train try to hit the breaks in a hurry? Yeah. Exactly.

USE PROTECTION - God knows where his fleshy sword has been in battle. And not only that but it's also all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

DO NOT FALL FOR HIS LINES - Look, we are all adults here. It's the 21st God damn fucking century...chicks have cobwebs of sexual starvation that need dusting with meaty feather dusters from time to time. Be up front about what you are about to do. Get him to be straight with you. It's the empty promises that are the head fuck. If you are in for the night only, let him know, so he can drop his little game plan and both parties can enter the night of passion on an equal footing. Unless he is a sadistic bastard and gets off on treating woman like disposable razors, you do not need to give up any ass for a dick-for-brains like this. Let some bimbo stroke his non existent ego and fluff his insecurities. You are better than that.

TRY TO STAY ON GOOD TERMS - Hey, you've just been mega intimate with another human being. He has seen parts of your body not even you have seen without the help of a small handheld mirror. If you bump into him, greet him with a smile and a knowing wink. Let's be mature about it. After all, if it was good, you might want to do it again.

THE ODD ONE NIGHTER EVERY SO OFTEN CAN BE SATISFYING AND GIVE YOU A SELF ESTEEM BOOST - However...the one nighter every WEEKEND can have the complete opposite effect. These sexy run in's should be viewed as a treat my lovelies and NOT as your staple diet

LEAVE THE PARTY TRICKS AND SECRET WEAPONS FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE THAN JUST A REAL LIFE DILDO - Look sweetheart, this is drive through...not a three course frikkin meal. If he wants caviar then he will need to put in the effort. You will give him the standard burger and fries meal and he will like it. If he is particulary deserving then maybe you can super size it and I mean MAYBE, but don't be doing that willy nilly. The one night stand is much like fast food in the way that it always seems like such a good idea at the time...it smells good, it tastes good and it often hits the spot. Thing is with fast food though, the satisfaction in usually fleeting...and you are still left feeling hungry.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-sept

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS - ARE BEYOND TACKY - Don't get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online playground to hang your dirty laundry, but would you say those things and behave that way in person? Because it's virtually the same thing. I have opinions and bad impressions of people I've never even met just because of their tacky demeanour on facebook. Pick up the phone and call your boyfriend, instead of asking him on a public forum who that blonde was he was speaking to. Social networks are great for staying in touch and networking, but you should hold back as much as you would in person...things like arguments, break downs, break ups, verbally abusing someone should all be sacred. All you are doing is making other people feel better about their own lives, because compared to yours, we aren't that fucked up after all.

LUCAS' PAW PAW OINTMENT AND ELIZABETH ARDEN 8 HOUR CREAM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND - The two virtually do the same thing. But it's great for eye cream, lip balm, cheek highlighting, grazed knees, dry cuticles, um...carpet burns, er...chafing, dry nipples and once I used it as lube. That wasn't so great actually. Don't try that one.

DOGS WILL ALWAYS SNIFF YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD - Yeah that's right, get grossed out, but you know it fucking happens. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you pay extra attention to hygiene during those days when the painters and decorators are in. That means bathe more you morons.

GET YOUR TITS MEASURED - An ill fitting bra can ruin your entire look. I have been blessed or cursed...depends how you wanna look at it...with DD's. For ages I was wearing a C and I had the '2 boob' look going...you know what I'm talking about. Some hoe's like that because they like to show off their mammary glands like a cat with a dead mouse. But really, it does your chest no favours. Same goes for those that have itty bitty boobies. Stop wearing those God awful bras with those gel things in them...they sit away from your boobs with a little gap and you can see that you are trying to fake them! Embrace your flat chest Kate Moss styley and wear nothing! Or wear those gorgeous lacy little numbers that us girls with massive bazookas can only dream about. Hell, if I had small tits I'd wear sheer tops with nothing underneath, in a cool 'fuck you' kinda way. It really is just as subtle as those that get their generous cleavages out. And I would advise to have one great black bra that can go strapless, backless, and halter...it really is the best thing you can invest in as far as underwear goes. I have 2 and I have a few sexy naughty numbers for those special occasions...puurrrrrrr. So throw out those bad fitting, crappy bra's or just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot.

Let's take a breath...

Today I've been working on an interview on a much respected artist from my own country South Africa. I enjoy interviewing and I enjoy art. If I'm being honest, I just love to look at it. I love bright colours and anything that makes things beautiful. Like the icing on a cake, or a necklace on a striking woman...but her stuff is so thought provoking and not only lovely to look at, it also grips you and makes you think. It's almost like a trap...it's like you look at a wall, and think 'wow, look at that amazing graffiti' and you just peer with ignorance and innocence like a mouse would to the cheese in a mouse trap...then BAM it hits you. She is not just trying to show you something pretty, she is trying to lure you in with aesthetics and then grip you with it's message and leave you thinking and wondering what that was that you just felt. It's called emotion and this emotion is called panic. It's panic because you know things are happening and going on and this person is taking time out to create something to bring it to peoples attention and what are you doing?

I know I give a lot of tongue-in-cheek advice and pep talks like the obnoxious bird that I am. It's about boys and sex and fashion and drinking and partying and general living. After spending the day in the mind of this artist I kinda felt a little guilty for being so passionate about the mundane...but then I thought to myself, hang on, these issues are important. I call it 'Take my Advice...I don't Use it Anyway' not only because I enjoy the play on words but also because there is truth behind it. I have made mistakes, and I am still going to and sometimes, when you are in the middle of a'Fuck My Life' situation you often need to know that other people have experienced the same thing, so you aren't some kind of fucking weirdo. I also just try to say what everyone is thinking anyway.

So whilst my writing may be what I call 'whipped cream' on the dessert of life and may not make a massive dent in the world, I hope that some awkward twenty odd year old out there takes a bit of what I have to say and it makes her or him realise that 'hey, things ain't so bad'.

THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE...1

Passing your driving test. The sense of accomplishment is magnificent.

When you buy a chocolate bar from a vending machine and the sucker shoots 2 of them out by accident OR even better, when some dickhead has left their change behind.

Listening to a song that you haven't heard in ages...like what just happened to me now, Halo by Bloc Party. What a wonderful thing music is.

When you see your ex and you look smoking hot and he has a receding hairline.

Finding 10 bucks in your pocket. That shit never gets old.

When you weigh yourself and you haven't picked up a single kilo, in fact you have lost some weight even though you gorged on McDonald's the day before and feel gastronomically violated.

That song 'Domino's' by The Big Pink. It's God damn amazing.

Hotel room sex - where inhibitions go to die.

Bacon sandwiches the morning after a big night. Has to be soft white bread, not toasted with loads of red sauce. This is the Obnoxious Owl hangover cure.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 5

FOR BOYS ONLY

CHILL OUT ON THE HOMOPHOBIA - It ain't sexy honey. What do you think these gay guys are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and take your bum hole virginity whilst singing a Cher number into your ear all whilst wearing pink skinny jeans? Listen my dears, half of them can't even hold down their eyelash curlers, let alone hold you down. Straight boys getting freaked out by their homosexual counterparts just makes me want to yawn these days. They are GAY, just leave them the hell alone and stop hating. What makes me laugh even more is that most of the 'alleged' straight dudes dress and act more feminine than Elton John at a tea party. Don't stress about the gay boys sugar, they wont bite...unless you want them to.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, BUY US TEA TOWELS OR BLENDERS AS PRESENTS - It's so frikkin sexy it makes us moist in our knickers. Not.

DO NOT BITCH AND GOSSIP ABOUT CHICKS - Leave that to us. There is something terribly off putting about a guy getting involved in female politics. It's all bull shit anyway, so keep your nose out and just stand there and look pretty OK? I'm kidding! Or am I ...

WOULD YOU KINDLY USE THE TOILET BEFORE COMING TO BED WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING - Hands up ladies who have had their men piss the bed after a night of boozing? Other things include in the cupboard, in their shoes...even on US - and not in a good way, I might add.

WE REALLY LOVE IT WHEN YOU COOK US DINNER - Even if you can't cook...try. You can buy those pasta sauces in jars these days - they aren't great, but they'll do, boil some linguine, mix in the sauce, sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top. Set the table with some flowers, get a good bottle of wine - splash out and spend more than 20 bucks on it and put 'Kings of Convenience' on the stereo. Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy. We'll just love it that you made the effort. If you do all of this, and she is a miserable cow about it I THEN give you permission to piss the bed.

God speed fella's x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part seize

AVOID V.P.L - Visible. Panty. Line. If you can't handle a g-string then go without knickers rather than having this unsightly ridge around your bottom. The V.P.L does the same to an otherwise fabulous outfit what guys doing baby talk does to sex...'STOP! You're ruining it!'

SO, YOU'VE BROKEN UP BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU STILL FREQUENT THE SAME PLACES - Yeah. Fucking. Right. Nobody, including you, really thinks you are going to your old favourite Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday night for nachos. You are sooooo trying to run into him! Strike up a relationship with some new places to go. Much like your ex, those restaurants/pubs/coffee shops/clubs aren't the only place to go in town and somewhere else is bound to have better nachos. BREAK UPS GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOUR LIFE A MAKE OVER. So lets start with where you like to go for your Mexican fix.

THERE IS NO PERFUME LIKE CHANEL PERFUME - Celebrity fragrances are basically sugar water with some rose petals thrown into it. Much like the ones we used to make as a child. Although there may be a few exceptions...Gwen Stefani maybe, and possibly Kate Moss...possibly. But do we really want to wearing what Avril Lavigne deems cool? Let's not be silly now.

VINTAGE AND SECOND HAND CLOTHING IS JUST WONDERFUL - But would you mind washing the stuff before wearing it please? As the saying goes, 'You don't know where it's been'.

PEOPLES RELIGIOUS BELIEFS SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE - The amount of Atheists that bang on about the um...big bang theory are just as grating as those from the God Squad that speak Christianese all day long. We all have a theory, just like we all have ass holes.

IF YOU ARE A SMOKER AND YOU ENJOY A COFFEE, YOU MIGHT NEED TO STEP UP ON THE 'OL DENTAL HYGIENE - Yeah, I'm sure that morning fag and cup of java goes down real well. But your breath afterwards goes down like a dead rat. Keep some chewy in your pocket to disguise your sewer of a breath with some minty freshness.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK AGAIN ABOUT PUTTING 'SEXY_KITTEN_SUGARLIPS_4U@HOTMAIL.COM ON YOUR RESUME - Yup we all have a dodgy email address we made when we were 12 but it's time to grow up now sugar. Make a new account! It's free for Gods sake! As a manager in a company, I cringe inside when I receive such resumes. It shows a lack of attention to detail and makes you look a little lame. I'm just saying.

I mean it with love x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quinze

COCKTAIL GOGGLES ARE REAL - When we are drunk, guys suddenly seem a lot more like Brad Pitt than 'the pits'. It's a bit of a double edged sword really, because without the drunken, embarrassing hook ups, we don't have those hilarious 'remember when I ...' sessions with the girls later. With every hot guy, one ugly duckling must come. Don't feel too bad about those cringe worthy snog fests on those messy night outs, but at the same time, try not to make it a habit. There are messy nights out, then there are MESSY NIGHTS OUT. If you know what I mean. Oh and if someone less attractive than you turns you down...you might need to re assess yourself.

MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES - No, I don't mean great to look at, well...that too, but I mean they are visually stimulated. So don't hold back. If you want to indulge in some sexy time with a male or turn up the heat, there are a few tricks you can do ... I don't actually think I am about to tell you anything you don't already know really. But here we go anyway: 1) Let your lips glide over the neck of your bottle of beer - his mind will be awash with blow jobs and beer...it's boy heaven. Please ladies SUBTLETY is the key word here, you don't wanna be indulging the bottle in deep throat, just a gentle innuendo will suffice. 2) Let him in the change rooms when you are trying on clothes...especially lingerie. Put it on slowly and gently let your hands run over your curves and lady bumps all while acting unaware that he is watching you. 3) When you are putting make up in front of him, lean over your dressing table and stick your bum in the air whilst arching your back...he will oblige you.

ORDER THAT SKINNY CAPPUCCINO - If we're being honest, there is not much of a difference in taste between skim and full fat milk, but the calorie difference is immense. LITTLE PICKERS WEAR BIGGER KNICKERS!

THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS REALLY IS A WARDROBE STAPLE - Yeah yeah, nothing new. But seriously, it is so true. Find a basic, short, black, well fitted dress and the possibilities are endless! I'd go with more of a floaty whimsical number than a stiff, tight one. You can throw a denim jacket over it with Converse high tops for a urban street kinda look, or obvious heels for night time, but instead of just putting on the boring matching black pair, go with red, green or even neon pink...the dress is black for God's sake, black goes with everything. Add a vintage brooch with black ballet flats and a little blazer for a date or lunch with the girls, put a stripey tshirt underneath teamed with huge hoop earrings and flip flops for ice cream at the beach. Wear your hair up in a messy sexy do with strands and strands of pearls and your best 'Fuck Me Heels' to lure a prospective penis. If you have a cute black dress, you will always have something to wear.

REALLY? YOU LOVE OBAMA? - Please, do not get me wrong. I love president Barack Obama. The fact that we have a man of multicultural heritage in charge of a great nation is a positive step in the right direction in my opinion. However, the amount of cats who claim to LOVE him because Beyonce has made it fashionable by wearing a tshirt with his face on it, or because you can get Obama bobble heads just irritates me. These same people HATED George W and didn't really know why they did either, but they knew everyone else did so it must be the right thing to do. Sure Mr Obama is doing some good things, why don't you go find out what they are before you declare yourself a big fan...I guess in life we need the sheep so the shepherds don't get bored.

Yeah. I went there x

ACCLAIM MAGAZINE AKA THE RAD MAGAZINE

So this is one of my most favourite magazines ever. Besides YEN which I am published in from next month (*cough* cough* shameless plug *cough*) and British Vogue which I find a lot less pretentious than it's French and American buddies, not that those aren't great either...calm down.

But ACCLAIM gets me excited, not in a horny kinda way...well actually...it kinda does, there are some fly looking men in there sometimes. But if your interests lie in contemporary culture such as art and design, street wear, graffiti and toys, skateboarding, music and tattoos etc then this rad bunch of paper is for you. Issue 18 is now on the shelves and they are throwing a little launch party in.....you guessed it...Melbourne and Sydney. Now, the boys at ACCLAIM have assured me that Perth is under great consideration for future shindigs...I am posting this on condition that they keep their promise! So anyway, for all those lucky fuckers in the Eastern States, check out the flyer for the launch as well as their new cover.

OWL LOVES ACCLAIM X

OWL'S SOFA

Dear Obnoxious Owl,

Do guys expect girls to shave everything down there? Or is just keeping it neat and trimmed OK? :P Asking online anonymously is much easier than asking him, trust me, ha ha.

Rad Anonymous reader

Well love, firstly, they cannot EXPECT you to do anything. It's your body, your life. Boys differ when it comes to pubic preference, however, I pretty much think that most of the time they are just happy to be down there in the first place and therefore should be far too excited about being anywhere near your lady bits to have time to be worrying about your foliage situation. If you did want to get rid of everything, then I highly recommend a brazilian wax, it's a little painful but once you go wax you never go back. Pop an anti inflammatory or two an hour before and that should ease the pain slightly, but it is never going to feel like you are being licked by kittens, so just grin and bare it. Some dudes prefer you to be hairless when they are tending to you, um...orally, but other than that, it makes no diff to them really. If you aren't keen to go bare back sugar, just keeping it groomed is fine. After all, if you invite someone to a garden party, you need to be sure to trim the hedges.

Lots of love, Owl xx

Forward your questions to obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - don't be shy, it's all anonymous.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (1)

...someone hits on you when you are BLATANTLY out of there league? Who do they think they are exactly? I know I'm no Miranda Kerr, but I ain't no Beth Ditto either, yes I know it's shallow, I think shallow may even be too deep a word for this rant, but I reckon you are lying if you said this wouldn't fry your bacon either.

...you are walking down the road with one of your guy friends and girls check him out? OK, I'm not his girlfriend (and I don't want to be) but THEY don't know that. It's God damn disrespectful if you ask me.

...there is no milk? Or even worse, when you think you have milk but it is sour. Fuck my life.

...the opportunity arises for you to get your freak on with the cutie you have been cruising for ages and you are between waxes? Actually, it's probably a sign you should be keeping your knickers on to be honest.

...you are listening to the radio in your car, and you KNOW they are about to play a choice tune because they keep banging on about it and then when they finally do, you are at work and you can't stay and listen to it because you're already late?

...you discover your ex is engaged by seeing the bimbo he proposed to flashing her ring in photos on facebook? She's probably not a bimbo, I'm sure she's really nice, but for that moment she is a bimbo...who also needs to get her roots done.

...you burn your tongue on your morning coffee and then everything tastes like horses ass for the entire day?

...your boyfriend/partner/crush doesn't end his text messages with a 'x' - I mean, how fucking hard is it?

...when you are posing for a photo and trying to pull a funny face, or the face you know makes you look good (you know what I'm talking about) and then some douche walks past the camera? It happens like all the time, and it never ceases to get less irritating.

...when the guy you have a crush on calls you 'mate'?

...you finally bought the madly beautiful but insanely expensive handbag after saving for ages, only to discover it is $49.95 a month later?

...your best friend decides she loves the band Elbow, wearing fascinator hats with jeans and cuts a fringe the week after you have professed to love all these things? Then you can't say anything or get annoyed because you look petty and it's not like you OWN Elbow, hats or blunt fringes but you just KNOW she is a big fat copy cat.

'FAN' ART

A wonderful reader has sent in some art for the Obnoxious Owl...how magnificant. His name is Sean Avery and he has just written a book and everything. Check him out at http://www.seaneavery.com/ Send me art!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: ALL HAIL THE BUSH

FOR BOYS ONLY

So here we go then. A guide for you fellas in the art of cunnilingus. ('Going down on us' for the slow one's). Believe it or not, there are a few woman who do not enjoy having their bit's licked - they are obviously mad. If they have had been orally stimulated correctly, I doubt this would be the case. Having a man give you head is possibly one of the best things in the world. Ever. Followed closely by a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. But you know what is even better? Wearing a pair of Louboutins WHILST having your vagina licked. Oh a girl can dream...

Well here we go boys...take it all in now...

THE BUILD UP - Come now gentleman, you don't wanna be rushing in quicker than Britney Spears into KFC - easy does it. Pay the inner thighs some attention. Kiss and lick them tenderly and gently stroke her lady lips. They're not going anywhere and they also don't talk back! Well, some don't.

THE INITIAL LICK - This is where most guys screw it up, because they go straight for the clit and stay there, staring up at us with proud little faces waiting for us to magically explode. If she does...she's faking it.

USE YOUR HANDS - Don't make me say it - you know what I mean.

USE THAT TONGUE LIKE IT'S FOR SALE AND RENT IS DUE - Roll the tip and somewhat flat part of your tongue around the clit in a circular motion. Do this slowly and when we say don't stop...that means...don't fucking stop. It is uber crucial to hold your rhythm here.

LISTEN TO HER BREATHING - Use this as feedback and respond with your tongue. If our breathing is steady, you are doing it right. She should be breathing heavily now, not moaning, breathing. The key still remains that you DON'T STOP, not even to pick a hair out of your mouth or to gaze at us fondly - there is plenty of time for that.

KEEP THAT RHYTHM GOING - Listen to her breathing, the faster your tongue the faster her breathing should be and if it's on target, start using the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth as fast as you can, practice on the end of your finger...do it now! It's kinda like using your tongue as a vibrator. If you can keep this up and DON'T STOP then after about a minute...she will be loving you.

SHE HAS YET TO ARRIVE? - Then stick two fingers inside and hook them and then flick 'em back and forth as if you are doing a 'come here' motion with. You want your fingers to hold the harmony, while your tongue works the melody - if you know what I mean. (I wish I could take credit for that comparison, but sadly not) This should do it. And if you are lucky, you might experience the elusive female ejaculation.

YOU'RE NOT DONE - Nope, you most certainly are not. After cumming she will be super sensitive and will probably try and push your head away and squirm but don't budge, and pretty soon, she will scream again and declare you 'King of the Pussy'.

You will know if you have done a good job because she should be super eager to please after this. However, after all your effort and if you did it all correctly and she did have a mind blowing orgasm but she doesn't aim to please then I give you full permission to slap her in the face with your penis.

Go forth and conquer x

(It's my pleasure girls)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quatorze

IF SOMEONE IS UNABLE TO MAKE OUT YOUR CHARACTER, THEY WILL LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS - Just like your clothes, your apartment, your hairstyle etc your friends are an extension of you. It is a very accurate ruler to measure what someone is like by the kind of people they attract or the kind of people they are attracted to. Yeah yeah yeah we shouldn't judge, but in reality, we all do. On one level or another.

HOLD UP ON THAT FOUNDATION GIRL - I swear to God, young teenage girls single handily keep the cosmetic industry in business with the amount of foundation they pack onto their young, fresh faces. As you get older you definitely start to wear less or maybe you are just able to afford better brands, I don't know. The thing is, the more you wear, the more you make people curious as to what is going on under all that gunk. Sometimes it is smeared on so thick you could probably write your name in it with your fingernail. I think when you are younger you tend to stand closer to the mirror than is absolutely necessary, so obviously you will see the odd flaw or two, but in reality, is that really how close you stand in front of people? Unless you're a creep. Listen my petals, you only need a little. And maybe spend a bit more on a product that will give you some coverage but won't look like you've used a roller to put it on? You need the right colour too, and you need to blend it into your jaw line. How many girls do you see with a different colour face compared to the rest of their body? Yeah, you know who you are. If you pour cement over weeds, they will still grow through.

I AM A BIG BELIEVER IN BUTTONS - I know. Random right? The next time you are at a school fete or car boot sale, look for those little old ladies who are selling things out of their sewing kits and rummage for some unusual buttons. If you are in a second hand store, look for interesting buttons on shirts, even if the shirt is tacky - buy it for the buttons. Go to your nearest haberdashery and find some winners there too. (I do have a point here, just give me a chance) Now you know that very uninteresting jacket that you haven't worn in ages? Put some new dope buttons on to it to breathe some fresh life into it. The most boring beigest item can look uber fresh with some interesting accessories attached to it. It's the icing on the cake. I once had this little black cotton blazer that was super cute but it had some nasty black plastic generic buttons, I replaced them with new ones that were big gold lion faces. Voila! Tres chic non?

IF YOU FINALLY WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO MESSAGE YOUR CRUSH AND HE REPLIES WITH A 'WHO'S THIS?' - IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN - The dude didn't even think it was worth saving your number! Do not even reply to a 'who's this?' message unless you are replying with 'your mum'. Your phone number should be regarded the same as the winning lottery numbers...anyone who gets it, should consider themselves a lucky mother fucker.

LISTEN TO 'FOALS' - A wonderful band from Oxford, England. Get excited.

Bloody love ya x

OBNOXIOUS OWL'S SOFA

So, a few of you have emailed me asking for one on one advice. I'm down for it, as long as you a) Don't sue me if it all goes a bit pear shaped - yeah that means YOU America and b) you let me post your question with my answer. Anonymously of course...

You can ask me anything you want about boys, fashion, beauty, awkward situations - whatever tickles your fanny really. I am an opinionated lady, so do not underestimate the extent to which my obnoxious levels can go. Sit yourself down, I'll put the kettle on and I'll try and advise you in the only way I know how, obnoxiously.

Hit me up at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com, you can send me a postal address too if you want. I might have a pressie for ya if I use your question.

Look forward to it x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part treize

LAUGHING AT BIG ISSUE SELLERS IS JUST NOT COOL - In any shape or form. OK, SOMETIMES they say 'Big Issue' a bit funny, and yes it can be amusing but I actually saw two little teenage dregs of human pointing and laughing at an old man trying to sell this bloody magazine. Jesus, it's making me angry just typing this. I hope that they end up in the same position but instead of someone just laughing and pointing, I hope they get pissed on.

YOU REALLY DO NEED TO WAIT FOR YOUR HAIR TO DRY BEFORE YOU STRAIGHTEN IT - That sizzling sound ain't good for your barnet sugar. You are burning it. Not drying it. This is why half of those plastic girls with poker straight burnt hair look like they have roadkill on their heads. Your hair should sway and blow in the breeze, not stay dead still on your head like a run over squirrel.

SPEND A FAIR AMOUNT ON A GOOD HAIRCUT - Get it right the first time, then go to the cheaper places for maintenance. Your hair is the curtains and your face is the window. Everyone comments on the curtains before they look out the window. You get me?

IF YOU DON'T LET HIM HANG OUT WITH THE BOYS, THE BOYS WILL TRY TO ELIMINATE YOU - Seriously. The male bond is a strange thing, but they love it, so do not try to destroy it. If you become the 'bitch girlfriend' of a friend who 'used to be so much fun until he met blah blah' then they will whittle you down until he either dumps you, or you just end up feeling bullied. Make an effort with them, yeah some of them will be annoying and others may even hit on you...but if you love your man, you will need to understand that he loves his friends - even if you would rather stick a fork in your eye than play nice...just let them be.

IF YOU ARE A SIZE 14 OR WEIGH MORE THAN 70KG YOU CANNOT WEAR SPANDEX, SHORT TIGHT SKIRTS OR MIDRIFF TOPS - Look darling, I'm not even saying that you are fat. But you aren't Twiggy either and whilst this may look good on your friend, sadly, it does nothing for you. Your skinnier companions may be dying to wear those corset style dresses or even fill a C cup, but that ain't gonna happen neither. I've said this before, dress to hide your flaws and show off your assets. I saw a girl in a dress tonight that looked like someone tried to stick a stamp onto a watermelon.

IN THIS LIFE, YOU GET 'ENERGY PROVIDERS' OR 'ENERGY DRAINERS' - There will always be someone waiting in the wings to shit on your parade. You may think that someone who praises you all the time and strokes your ego is a energy provider, but you would be thinking wrong. These are people pleasers. And what people pleasers do, is they tell you how everything you do is just wonderful, even when it is bad for you, therefore you will drown in your own wrong doings that were coaxed on by a wolf in energy providers clothing. Now an energy provider will be there for you when you need them...not by carrying you and doing if for you, but by being your training wheels on the bike of life that you are learning to ride yourself. An energy provider will laugh and celebrate in your triumphs and tell you when you are being an asshole in the nicest way possible. Basically, they want to see you be the best you can be. Now go and sort through the people you surround yourself with and carefully divide the weak from the strength, the men from the boys, the sweet from the sour. The Lyndsay Lohans of this life need to do what they do best, and suck their parents dry. Not you.

You know it makes sense x

OWL INTRODUCES: PECHE

I have lived in Western Australia for exactly 2 years and 5 months now. It has the reputation for being isolated and somewhat 'backwards' according to it's Eastern State countrymen. Well I am here to tell you that they know fuck all. This place is a thriving melting pot of artistic talent and ambitious, creative souls. I kind of feel sorry for Perth in a way, because just as it is about to take off then every bugger leaves for a bigger city. Now in the time I have been here I have been a lucky enough lady to have met quite a few budding talents and uber creative individuals. And individual they certainly are. Take my new friend Dipesh for example, the founder and creator of Peche designs. He has taken on the immense task of producing 30 designs within 30 days...just because. All whilst working and creating other projects as well as living in a house share with a bunch of party animals. I love art. And I love young artists. Mainly because 'wanky' art is overrated and young guns know how to 'keep it real' - so to speak. If this is what someone as young as Peche is delivering now, I think we have a great future ahead of us. Please read on and take a look at exactly the kind of fucking freshness we are dealing with here..

Q: THIS 30 DAY DESIGN THING IS AN AMBITIOUS UNDERTAKING...YET YOU SEEM TO BE DOING IT LIKE IT IS THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD, WHAT IS THE STORY BEHIND IT?

A: I wanted to set a challenge for myself that would keep me motivated and inspired where I had to force myself to design something new each day, I'm pretty busy so its gonna be interesting for me to see what I can come up with, especially on days that I don't have time to actually sit down and create something, which was the intention, and also seeing what I am able create with whatever I have access to on the day. It could be something as simple as drawing a sketch on a napkin at the pub. Also most designers find it hard finding a substantial amount of work to put in their folio so I thought this would also be a good way to produce alot of work within a short period of time. Some will be good, some pretty crap but at least at the end of the month I'll have 30 new pieces...

Q: WHERE ARE YOU DRAWING INSPIRATION FROM? JUST MANDATORY RUN IN'S OR ARE THERE SOME SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET WHERE YOU USE ART AS A FORM OF RELEASE?

A: Nah nothing overly planned for it, I just see what pops into mind on the particular day, day 4 for example we had a block of of cheese in the fridge and I didn't wanna throw it away ( cheese is expensive!) so I thought I'd see what I could make out of it so there is no real intelligent process ha ha. On day 5 I cut myself with scissors so I painted a pair of bloody scissors. Some days I'll get a real rad concept though and as I'm working on it it changes along the way till at the end something created that was totally unintentional.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEDIUM TO WORK WITH?

A: Illustration would probably be my first love, I love working with the combination of pencil felt tip pen and Indian ink together.

Q: KUDOS ON WINNING THE T SHIRT DESIGN FOR TRIPLE J...TELL US ABOUT THAT.....

A: Ah thank ya! Yeah the Triple J thing was spun out, I kinda just entered it without even reading it properly then after I submitted it realised the theme was 'TRIPLE IT' so I was like 'Um the hand design holding up 3 fingers kinda implies 'triple it' I guess...(if they ask, that's what I'll tell them) but yeah I kinda just entered and forgot about it then 2 weeks later they called and told me I'd won it which I was obviously stoked with. The tee should be in all ABC stores and Triple J outlets Australia wide by the end of the month I think.

Q: THERE IS OBVIOUSLY ALOT OF RAW TALENT GOING ON HERE, HOW MUCH FORMAL TRAINING HAVE YOU HAD AS WELL?

A: My background is fine art but then I branched out into graphic design and just recently into photography. I got an art scholarship for high school, this meant me going to school on Saturdays to do art (I went to school 6 days a week until year 12 which sucked!) Then from there studying graphic design at Tafe and Curtin University.

Q: WHAT ARTISTS ARE GRABBING YOUR ATTENTION RIGHT NOW?

A: Hmm I always look out for stuff done by Usugrow, Si Scott & Jeremy Fish, anything those dudes put out I absolutely love.

Q: 'DIPESH PRASAD' AIN'T YOUR FAIR DINKUM AUSSIE NAME, WHATS YOUR HERITAGE AND WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT LIVING IN AUS? WESTERN AUSTRALIA IN PARTICULAR...

A: He He yeah I'm from Fiji. Dipesh actually means 'light' (sunlight) in Fijian. We moved over to Perth when I was 6 and I love it. Australia's awesome. Such a chilled, laid back place, anywhere I go it'll only take me a matter of weeks and I will end up missing Perth and want to come back home again.

Q: WHAT ARE THE MOST PLAYED TUNES ON YOUR IPOD AT THIS CURRENT TIME?

A: 'Foreign exchange - Leave It All Behind' is on constant repeat, and I'm still cranking 'Jay Z - Blueprint 3' and 'Joe Budden - The Escape Route'.



Q: ANY THOUGHTS ON DOING AN OWL? IT IS THE DOPEST BIRD AROUND AFTER ALL ;)

A: Well I have been drawing alot of birds lately. I dunno why. I'm actually doing a collab with a local fashion designer (Eve of Adam) who is awesome. She's won awards for her dresses at Perth Fashion Week this year and has mad talent. Our collab "BIRDS DONT LIKE LACES" will come out in a few weeks, cant give too much away but Im on a bit of a bird trip now so I'd definitely be open to doing an owl piece soon. Ill try and fit it into one of the 30days for ya.

An Owl by Peche would be like no other.

Contact Peche:

http://www.sofreshpeche.blogspot.com/
http://www.pechedesigns.com.au/ (under construction)
facebook - http://www.facebook.com/pages/peche/193373935159

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ART OF BEING DECADENT

SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN - It's when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of red whilst listening to some tunes and just getting wonderfully wasted all on your own. Heck I'm doing it as I type this. I highly recommend TV on the Radio, The Strokes or The Velvet Underground for your listening pleasure.

MASTURBATE FOR AGES AND AGES - OK, this is how you need to do it. Get comfortable and look sexy, yeah you are on your own, but you ARE about to have sex with someone you truly love after all. I recommend lying in a sort of up right position with loads of pillows under your head. Make sure you tease yourself a bit first, you would get annoyed with a man if he just went for the in and out so why should you? You need to imagine your sexiest scenario...anything you want, don't hold back. You should never judge other peoples fantasy's. Some might enjoy the thought of a man pumping away at her while he wears her underwear...um, I'm just saying some people, I er...I don't actually KNOW anyone who might like this. Kinda. You need to take a few hours out of your Sunday afternoon and have some precious 'me' time. Figure out for yourself what you like and what feels good. It will make you a better teacher.

PULL A SICKIE - You need to be sensible here. If you do it on a Monday, a Friday or the day before or after a public holiday it looks suss. You also need to be feeling a little 'poorly' the day before, like you need to feel a bit run down and have a 'searing headache' coming on. Then when you call in, speak to your boss directly. Put on a little wimpy sound and a slight cough wouldn't fucking go amiss either. The next day, when you return to work, you will have to be somewhat run down too. Lose the eyeliner maybe...and the blusher for good measure. OK, so you've done it. Now spend the day wisely. Stay off facebook, in fact, stay away from the Internet and turn your phone off. Have a shower, make something indulgent like pancakes with loads of maple syrup and blueberries, put your favourite back to back box set on the DVD player and veg the fuck out. You can't do this too often mind you for 2 main reasons, 1) nobody likes a slacker; and 2) you will get a fat ass.

GO TO AN ART GALLERY/THE MUSEUM/OR A MOVIE ALL ON YOUR OWN - Buy a travelling cappuccino (aka 'takeaway coffee') and get involved in some culture. It's beyond liberating and it's totally inspiring. Plus, it sounds ultra sophisticated when you get asked, 'So, what did you do on Saturday?'...'Oh, I just caught that exhibit at the blahdy blah' ... 'Oh rad, who did you go with?' ... 'Oh just myself'. How cool are YOU!

BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS - They look and smell nice and they will cheer you up.

CLIMB A TREE WITH A FRIEND - Then sit up there and smoke a joint. Note: Obnoxious Owl is not condoning drug use, but this is a realists blog, and realists smoke doobies from time to time.

PUT YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM ON REALLY LOUDLY AND LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR BATHROOM - Primp, Pluck and Pamper. Get rid of all body hair. Apply some self tan. Wash and deep condition your hair. Do a face mask. Paint your nails AND toe nails. Rub body lotion all over yourself, even your tits. Your body is your temple apparently, praise it.

GET SUPER DRESSED UP, GRAB THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND HIT THE TOWN - Now, I don't mean get dressed up like a tramp, get sozzled on cheap booze and look like something that lines a birdcage by 4 o'clock in the morning. I mean put on that frock that makes you feel confident and makes your tits look great. Indulge in the most expensive cocktails that taste amazing and make you look chic for drinking them - (I love most things with the word 'cock' in the name) Walk around with your head held high and pretend you are famous and that everyone loves you. Talk to strangers - but don't be a pain in the ass, make new friends and dance like you mean it. Ain't life grand?

SOMETIMES, AND I DO MEAN SOMETIMES, YOU NEED CHEERING UP AND FOOD CAN DO THAT - Cupcakes. They are the food of the future. Think about it...it is a perfectly formed individual cake JUST FOR ONE PERSON. What the hell is more indulgent that that?!

You're welcome x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 4

FOR BOYS ONLY

THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO TELL US HOW HOT YOU THINK OUR FRIENDS ARE - Unless you want to suck your own dick later that is.

CLEANSE AND MOISTURISE YOUR FACE - It. is. not. gay. You need to do it. Do you think that baby bottom skin is gonna last forever? So many brands do skincare for dudes now anyway, so the packaging is all manly and stuff. It's fine. No one will laugh at you.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR, AND GO BUY YOURSELF A PAIR OF JEANS THAT FIT YOU WELL - The best thing about your body is your ass. A pair of good jeans well help accentuate this little treasure. You need to avoid boot cuts and please for the love of GOD avoid stone wash. Yes yes some of you think skinny jeans are gayer that Elton John on all fours, so we're not asking you to get them, but get some that make your ass look like two scoops of ice cream please at least. Hardly anywhere does jeans with a zip fly for dudes now so don't ask for them, also, button fly denims are safer...lets be honest. So to sum it up, you need a pair of bog standard straight leg jeans that sit low on the hip, do not have a boot cut, button fly and low back pockets. Find a lady sales assistant to help you, she'll thoroughly enjoy the experience. Trust me.

TIPS FOR BUYING UNDERWEAR - Avoid the word 'polyester'. Avoid Crotchless. Avoid anything from the Adult Store, those things are meant for chicks named Cookie and whores, or for when you and your missus are just wanting a bit of fun. If you are purchasing knickers as a gift it needs to be something sexy yet tasteful. It needs to fit her properly too. You can't buy her a DD just because you want her to be that, a good bra can make her look like she has DD's anyway. Check out her underwear drawer and look at the sizes. Ask her mates...(for her size. Not theirs.) Do some research my dear. Go for black, white, soft pinks or leopard print. She's your lady, not your mistress. Cute polka dots and such is wonderful too. Elle Macpherson, Pleasure State and Agent Provocateur are all good choices. Happy shopping.

YEAH OF COURSE SIZE DOESN'T MATTER - Just like tits don't matter to you.

Don't forget to moisturize that gorgeous mug of yours x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part douze

DURING THE SUMMER MONTHS YOU MIGHT NEED TO MAKE USE OF YOUR SHOWER MORE THAN ONCE A DAY - Yes people, I'm talking morning and night you dirty buggers. Make use of natures natural cleanser and clean your crevices. I'm not only advising you to do this for your own good, but also for those who have to share any form of public transport with you.

THE WORD 'C*NT' SHOULD NOT BE OVER USED - There are two instances where I feel this word is acceptable and that is during a fit of rage, i.e. 'I can't believe you slept with my husband you c**t' or during a moment of passion, 'I love the way you lick my.....' - otherwise it loses it's dramatic effect. Since living in Australia I have come to notice that Aussies drop the 'C' bomb more than 'Bless you' gets said in a Catholic Church. And while I am not trying to paint myself holier than though as far as the art of profanities go, I am just merely pointing out that if this word is used as a daily noun or adjective then we lose the only curse that exists which shows when we mean business.

WHEN YOU ARE PURCHASING YOUR LEATHER JACKET, AVOID PLASTIC ZIPS - A plastic zip can make real leather look like a black garbage bag, however metal hardware can make even the most pleatherest of jackets look discerning.

I LEARNT TODAY THAT EATING BANANAS CAN ATTRACT MOSQUITO'S - Just a heads up - thanks Jemma.

LISTEN TO FRIENDLY FIRES - Seriously great musical melodies that will be like butterfly kisses on your ears.

JUST BECAUSE YOU SOMETIMES KISS GIRLS WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK DOES NOT MAKE YOU A LESBIAN - Look, we've all done it. You wanna show the boys how adventurous you are and porn makes it look pretty hot. Yeah chicks are sexy...you don't have to be a lezza to admit that, and really, the thought of kissing another girl does not gross us out as much as our male counterparts when it comes to lip locking with the same sex. I mean, it's a bit like eating chicken really...it's fine. However, if you are going to go around saying you have now met someone and it's a woman, then you will need to accept that further down the line, when the attention you wanted to gain from the whole experience has died down and you are stuck with dykey dyke mcgee then she is gonna want you to be kissing a whole other set of lips. And lez be honest, that ain't gonna taste like chicken. I'm just saying.

Lez be friends X

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part onze

YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NICE TO YOU ALL THE TIME - Sometimes when someone is super nice for like 10 seconds we tend to hang on to that short moment of bliss...but stand back honey and look at the bigger picture. You don't want to be with someone who is an asshole for the majority of the time but has 'good moments'. And if you are a lucky lady to have found a nice one, remember to be nice to them too.

HAVE A WARDROBE CLEAN OUT - I generally do this nearly every 6 months or so. If it's too small, too big, has stains on it, broken zips or lost buttons then chuck it. You will never lose that weight, you will never fix that zip, that dress you bought from the second hand store that you intended to turn into a top will never happen and stains are just not chic my lovelies. Some people might say that if you haven't worn it in a year then you never will...well, I tend to disagree with this one. For instance, I wish I still had my Doc Martins I used to wear in 1996...sure they wouldn't have seen much of the former part of the 2000's but MAN would they be uber fresh right now.

DON'T GET INTO CAT FIGHTS - Look babe, it's just not cool. You aren't impressing anybody, other than a few dudes who will be looking all over the place for some mud to throw on you. But if some bitch is really getting on your tits or on your man, ask your dad or brother to show you how to throw a proper punch because all that hair pulling and flailing is so not glamorous. Meow, saucer of milk for you?

BUY SOME NICE SHEETS FOR YOUR BED - Make it look all wonderful and cosy and SEXY. White is a wonderful choice for summer as it feels like you are sleeping in a big fluffy cloud! However, if you do choose the lighter shades then make sure you remove all your make up before you go to bed, otherwise, you will wake up to discover your face on your pillow. If you are also no longer a teenager then I suggest you remove the 58 fluffy toys and stuffed animals too...OK, I'll allow one, but just the one! If you make your bed a place where you want to be, then trust me, the boys will follow. If you build it, they will come.

TREAT CYSTITIS - You know that burning feeling you get like you want to pee all the time but you don't actually have to? Yup, you have a urinary tract infection. It's common, don't worry, and you are not a dirty whore. You usually get it after sex and you are especially susceptible to it if you are partial to a bit of doggy style, as the man tends to pump alot of bacteria into you from this angle. You are supposed to pee straight afterwards, as this will get rid of any nasty bladder infecting germs. Cranberry juice will help, as well as cranberry capsules which you can get from most health food stores (said capsules are to be taken orally, not placed up your woo hoo). But really, you need to visit your doctor. Look after your fanny my darlings x

REASONS WHY LONDON IS FUCKING RAD

OK, So a little about my background. I was born in Cape Town to an English mother and a Portuguese father. I lived there until I was 18 before fleeing to England like everyone did in 1999. Many said I would be home by Christmas...I was gone for 6.5 years. I returned to Africa for a small stint before finding home in Australia, where I have resided for the last 2 years.

Whilst in London I became what is known as a 'whinging pom' and yearned for the days of beaches, blue skies and familiar faces. But as they say, the grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it. It seems it is much harder than one thinks to get the 'Big Smoke' out from under your skin. I plan to make a pilgrimage back there next year and I fear it may be slightly harder to leave this time, and this is why...

BRICK LANE AND EAST LONDON - Fuck the cheap incense and bongs in Camden Town and the over priced rags on Portobello Road, this is where it's at. Banksy, Absolute Vintage and Beyond Retro keep the black skinny jeaned masses amused here. Also the Greek style coffee shop where I forget the name but it kept me fed many a Saturday afternoon. Sure you get your scenesters and nearby Shoreditch wankers, but there is a vibe on this street that is hard to replicate. The 24 hour Bagel shop is also a must.

BECAUSE YOU CAN BE THE PERSON YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE - No one cares about how you look, speak or if you want to get beautifully wasted on a Sunday afternoon. Coming from small towns you often find yourself moulding to the image that people are expecting of you. You find yourself in 'scenes' and being part of a claustrophobic environment of bumping into the same faces and doing the same things every. fucking. weekend. Sure this can be comforting, but it can also feel like those familiar walls are closing in on you and one can feel like you are being restricted. Anonymity is underrated.

THERE IS ALWAYS A CHILL BAND TO GO SEE AND YOU GET THE REAL DEAL - So I went to see the Dead Kennedys and Dinosaur Jr and partied with punks who had safety pin nose rings and stage dived from the balcony. As it should be done.

YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS WILL BE BECOME MORE MULIT CULTURAL AND DIVERSE THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED - Alot of your prejudice views (everyone has a few) will be broken down, and your mind will be broadened.

ST PANCRAS STATION - You can get a train to Paris from here. How is this a bad thing?

BESIDES TOKYO, THIS IS WHERE STREET FASHION IS THE BUSINESS - French, Italian and even American Vogue will show Haute Couture and it is visually so very beautiful, but the Brits know how to take it onto the streets and will team Vivienne Westwood and Converse with gusto.

THE NO.11 BUS - If you need something to do and you have no cash hop on the no.11 - especially at night time. It will take you past the houses of Parliament, Big Ben, Embankment, the fabulous stores on Sloane Square, The Kings Road, Fulham Broadway, Chelsea, Charing Cross, Victoria, Trafalgar Square and Liverpool Street. It's a little secret thing I used to do. Not so secret anymore.

BOROUGH MARKET ON A SATURDAY MORNING - This is possibly the best effing food market that ever lived. Italian families selling their homemade wares, Cockney fruit and veg sellers and so forth. Banksy art is all over the place, and you really shouldn't be getting your Saturday evening dinner party ingredients from anywhere else quite frankly.

STREET DRINKING IS THE DONE THING - I love that London shrugs and lets people get on with their fucking lives.

THE VIBE BAR AND THE BIG CHILL BAR - For the Summer time chill and it's just near Spitalfields Market to boot.

MEANWHILE BOWLS - In Westbourne Park. As the ex girlfriend of a very keen skateboard rider, I spent many a weekend here. The sexy skaters take their tops off in the summer. But besides that, its an achingly cool skate park.

HOLLAND PARK - The Japanese Garden with the koi in the ponds, the rabbits and peacocks that stroll around freely and young loves having picnics in the rose gardens. Plus I once saw Stella Mcartney and Gwyneth Paltrow taking their kids for a walk. If you're into that kinda thing. I am.

THE HUMMINGBIRD BAKERY IN NOTTING HILL - Because they do red velvet cupcakes in a chic environment.

BECAUSE NO WHERE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THIS MUCH FREEDOM TO JUST BE YOURSELF. - Yeah the weather sucks. Yeah it costs an arm and a leg to live there, but as the great quote that my new wonderful friend Jerome reminded me of over the weekend goes, when you are tired of London then you are tired of life.