Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 3

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE RE ARRANGING YOUR BALLS - Could you stop doing that in public please? How would you like it if we went around sticking our hands down our trousers in front of you? Actually never mind, you would love that.

MAKE YOUR LADY A MIXED TAPE - Like in the good 'ol days. Except this time round it'll be a CD. It's not gay, it's sweet.

YOU DO NOT ALWAYS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF FIGHT TO PROVE YOUR MANLINESS - Seriously, that dude spilt his beer on you by accident. Do you really think he would spend $8 on a beer and then pour it all over you when he could have just stuck to water? When it is crowded people bump into each other. Sure it's annoying but it's even more annoying when some fuckwit makes the whole situation about him and throws all his toys out the cot. Keep it together man.

IT IS COMMON COURTESY THAT YOU LIE IN THE WET PATCH - It's part of you anyway! Then again, I'll lie in it if I want to show how much you mean to me, but don't count on it.

IT'S OK TO CRY DURING A SAD MOVIE - It's only human.

THROWING GIRLY LITTLE TANTRUMS IS NOT SEXY HONEY - Get angry, sure, but sulking and going all 'moody' on us just makes us want to vomit.

DO NOT TRY TO SEND US MMS PICTURES OF YOUR MANHOOD - You really are the only one who thinks it is the most spectacular thing ever. If you love it that much, instead of sending us pictures of you squeezing the base in order to make it appear larger, why don't you go knit it a little hat?

AVOID WHITE LEATHER DRESS SHOES - The only time these are acceptable are if you are in the Navy. Otherwise the only other time is...wait...no no, there is no other time.

We love you x

Spike Savage - Writer

Being a woman of no nonsense and a general 'dark' sense of humour, I tend to find that most of my friends are male. This is not a conscious decision but more of a natural development. One of my dearest and dare I say it, oldest friends, is from Cape Town where he still resides. We have a shared interest in the movie 'Mean Girls', Jack Daniels and books about women psyche. He is a talented writer who has yet to learn the art of self promotion. His work can be found in old editions of the South African skateboard and music magazine, 'Blunt'. He also runs a blog which will literally make you piss your pants with laughter. http://www.spikesavage.co.za/ He has an acute and funny take on pop culture and was pretty much my inspiration to start putting my writing out there. He would also never in a million fucking years agree to do an interview in order for me to give him a bit of a plug on Obnoxious Owl, so I asked him a couple of questions during one of our daily transatlantic emails with the intention of posting them. Here are a few tit bits of conversation, just so that you can capture the very essence that is SPIKE SAVAGE. Sorry Spike, you'll thank me later.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: BREAK UPS

HE SAY'S HE MISSES YOU BUT HE CAN'T BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW - Poor darling, I hate to break it to you, but 'can't' just means 'won't'. You will never convince him otherwise and he will never change his mind. He knows how awesome you are, and yet, he still wants to be apart. Listen to me now, if a man wants to be with you...he will be. Men really are that simple and not all that difficult to work out. He may be missing you, heck, he may even still love you but you really are not his priority right now. And you should be. Show him what it's like to really live without you. (NOTE: This does not mean murder, in any shape nor form)

TEMPTING AS IT IS, AVOID GOING BACK FOR BREAK UP SEX - Honey put your clothes back on, let go of his manhood and go get your hair done or something. I know what it's like. It's familiar, it's hot because there are a few mixed emotions still hanging around and it's nice to have sex with someone you know and feel comfortable with...for about five minutes. Break up sex still means that you have broken up. Then it's just awkward and you feel like a bucket of smashed hearts. Now listen up and listen good...and I don't care what you say...WOMEN CANNOT SEPARATE EMOTIONS AND SEX. It's true. And you know it. Now go put your own pair of hands to good personal use, and save the effort for someone who is worth it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS TERM, BUT THE FOLLOWING REASONS WILL GET YOU LABELLED A 'PSYCHO' - Breaking into his phone. Breaking into his email/facebook/myspace. Breaking into his house. Breaking any of his property. Phoning and hanging up. Phoning 63 times a day. Sending endless messages. (I've told you before, if he doesn't respond after two...it means that he doesn't want to). Threatening to kill yourself. Threatening to kill his pets. Threatening to kill anybody. Shagging his mates. Shagging any of his family (not only will these two reasons get you labelled psycho, but they'll throw in 'slut' for good measure too). Phoning him and crying down the phone. Phoning his mates and crying down the phone. Walking around looking like something the dog spat up. Basically ladies, you're heart has been been smashed like a melon against the wall and you have lost the man you love. Let's not lose our dignity either. Try to keep an air of class and be the 'One that got away' and not 'The one I got away from'.

HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE - He knows. Yet he is still choosing to go through with it. Really? Do you really want to waste your time on someone so short sighted? Let's not play silly buggers and start the ball rolling marked 'the rest of your life'.

LETS BE TRUTHFUL, THE REJECTION IS STINGING A LITTLE MORE THAN LOSING HIM - Admit it. It's the 'What's wrong with me?!' question which is driving you crazy. Boys cannot be relied on for any kind of straightforward answers, which leaves us wondering if we're fat/ugly/rubbish in bed/not blonde enough/tits aren't big enough/always complained about his friends blah blah bloody blah. Thing is ... Kate Moss got dumped. Sienna Miller got dumped. Jennifer 'stop being such a fucking wimp' Aniston got dumped. There is nothing wrong with you. Stop worrying about it. Lose weight, get a facial or get your hair done if that's whats gonna make you feel a little happier but there is definitely another pile of sexy man sauce out there that is gonna wanna rip your clothes off and ravish you.

SOMETIMES DURING A BREAK UP OUR OWN DREAMS AND PLANS GET A LITTLE FUZZY - For instance...did you both have the same views on marriage? kids? religion? These are all major deal breakers. Did he listen to The Pixies or not? (OK, this is MY deal breaker). It's so tempting to just blurt out, 'Actually, I never want to get married either!' in a desperate pathetic attempt to keep him in your claws er...I mean arms. Try to ignore the white hot pain for a second so that you are able to re evaluate your wants and needs. In order to read a book together to the very end, you need to be on the same page almost from the start. Things like different views on curtain colours, whether Pete Doherty is a musical god or a drunken bafoon, how many sugars you take in your tea are all just simple mundane differences of opinion. But wanting a family or not, staying settled and buying a house versus travelling the globe and living where ever are all things you pretty much need to see eye to eye on. You know the truth deep down, stop ignoring it and take over the reigns of your life silly.

DID HE CHEAT ON YOU? - Now look here sugar, if there is another female banging about then get the hell out. Don't beg him to break if off with her or watch your dignity flush down the toilet with any sort of compromise. Trust me, that little lady will be finding solace in this very blog further along the line. Cheaters only cheat themselves because that means he doesn't get to be with you. Tell the wanker I said that.

IF YOU ARE SCARED OF BEING ALONE BECAUSE YOU WILL MISS CUDDLING WITH SOMEONE EVERY NIGHT THEN BUY A HOT WATER BOTTLE - Your lost self esteem may take a little longer to find than a new boyfriend so prioritise, OK babe?

It may not feel like it, but you will get over it. Just keep your dignity in check and do not eat the entire content of your fridge. You'll struggle to get happy again with a fat ass.

Chin up buttercup xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix

BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB - So let's get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, 'HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]' next to a photo of you dressed in your knickers taken by yourself in the mirror of mummy and daddy's en suite bathroom? Do you understand the word 'I.R.O.N.I.C' - or do I have to explain it to you? Yup, thought so. The irony of this little situation is that you want to be respected yet you are acting like an online slut bag. Clear enough for ya? I have seen many a profile of individuals which give the illusion (and believe me, it IS an illusion) of being this independent, creative and sexual being, yet in real life I know them to be quiet as a mouse, still living at home and are just your bog standard wall flower. Instead of figuring out html code, building your account on photobucket and taking angle shots of your boobies go out and get a life. And if you absolutely must take those photos of you in the mirror, make sure you've cleaned it after squeezing your spots.

DO NOT BE SCARED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN - I swear there is something liberating about it. It's like you are just having a moment with the story and yourself. Don't tell anybody you are going, switch your phone off and forget about everything for 2 hours. No one in the entire world will know where you are or what you are doing for those few hours. There is a certain dignity to it.

DON'T SEND NAUGHTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF OR VIDEO'S - These things have the habit of biting you in the ass. OF COURSE the dude is going to show his friends, why the hell wouldn't he? What makes you so special? If he is asking for them, trust me, he has bad intentions. Just don't do it.

FIND YOUR SIGNATURE SCENT - People never forget a smell.

GET A PAP SMEAR, HAVE YOUR BOOBS CHECKED FOR WEIRD LUMPS AND IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH A BOY - GET AN HIV TEST - Welcome to the 21st century sweetie. You just sound stupid when you say you are creeped out by having your nether regions checked. This little thing we have called life is fragile. Sometimes when you are feeling really sad you may feel like dying, but if you're being honest, you love being alive and you love everyone around you (most of the time). Choose life and be healthy honey bun x

DON'T MAKE PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY VISIT YOU - Who the flying frikkin fudge do you think you are exactly?! Do you not own a vacuum cleaner? Do you think you live in Buckingham Palace or something? Some people might have weird feet and might not want you to see them, and now you have just made your guest feel all uncomfortable and stuff. (NOTE: I do not have weird feet! It's just a 'for instance'). It is possibly THE most pretentious thing to ask of someone, and if you ask me I wont do it. I just wont.

Be happy x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part neuf

DO NOT PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS, CUT YOUR TOE NAILS OR BUY TAMPONS IN FRONT OF HIM - Are you actually trying to ruin your life? What the flaming frank are you trying to do here? In boy land we are all mystical creatures, and they really do hope that we never do anything disgusting. Some of you might be reading this and thinking 'Yes but we've been together for ages and I feel comfortable doing that stuff in front of him' - hmm, I just think you no longer care what he thinks. Pull up your socks or you could be heading for 'Rut City'.

NOT EVERY BODY'S STATUS UPDATE ON FACEBOOK IS ABOUT YOU - Get over yourself. It is the height of passive aggressive behaviour to drop subtle hints on a social network that you have beef with someone anyway.

TRY TO LOVE YOUR BODY - Buy a body lotion that smells nice. Shave your legs and do one of those face mask thingo's (not in front of him for God's sake). Eat your greens and take the stairs. Chill on the booze once in a while and wash your hair.

WHEN YOU ARE OUT TO DINNER WITH SOMEONE, PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE AWAY - I'm not going to say much on the subject other than it is fucking rude to sit text messaging someone while the poor soul just chews their food politely waiting for you to finish your boring, mundane text conversation. They will never tell you that they think you are being socially retarded. They will just say, 'Oh, it's fine' if you say, 'Sorry about this, just got to reply quick'. (I on the other hand WOULD tell you, but I can be obnoxious like that). Just take a turn onto 'Manners Street' please.

LEAVE OTHER WOMAN'S BOYFRIENDS / CRUSHES / HUSBANDS ALONE - Because failure to do so, makes you a bit of a c*nt. Yeah...a c*nt.

IF THE ONE PERSON YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HAPPENS TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND THEN THERE IS A PROBLEM - Come now darling, stop kidding yourself. The only thing that differentiates our boyfriend from the boys that are our friends is that you have sex with your boyfriend.

LEARN TO ACCESSORISE - They are the icing and sprinkles on the cupcake, and like cupcakes, it's all about the decoration that makes you look so tempting. A beautiful necklace or a dope headscarf could make a $10 vintage dress look fresh. But you have to pick wisely...it's the shoulder duster earrings OR the heavy chain neck adornment. Accessories are all about statement darling, so you can't have too much going on. If you are going to spend a whack of dosh on your wardrobe, spend it on handbags and shoes. These 2 things will make the cheapest outfit look like a million bucks. Whilst a tacky pair of shoes can make a Marc Jacobs frock look like K-Mart.

Good night and God bless x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 2

FOR BOYS ONLY

DON'T BREAK UP WITH A GIRL VIA TEXT MESSAGE/TWITTER/FACEBOOK OR GETTING A FRIEND TO TELL HER - Listen, I know you'd rather dangle your balls in a tank filled with flesh eating piranhas than break a girls heart to her face because you feel like a prize asshole but here's the thing...NOT doing it this way, makes you an asshole. Also, don't make empty promises by saying 'I just need space for a while' or 'It's because I had a real bad childhood and I'm scared of getting close' etc etc ... You must (and I cannot emphasise this enough) you MUST be perfectly clear that this is final. Over. Done for. Kaput. Because I'm telling ya fellas, she'll be dissecting every last word with her friends over ice cream later. DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS at the same time, don't be unkind. She'll get over it. Really. She will.

COMPLIMENT US, WE LOVE IT - And not in the creepy 'I love your tits' kinda way but more along the lines of 'That dress looks hot on you' or 'I like your taste in music'. We aren't actually that hard to fathom you know. OK maybe we are, but you've got this blog now so you'll be fine.

IN BED, WE LIKE TO HAVE OUR HAIR TUGGED A LITTLE - Not ripped out of our fucking scalp, just a little pull. Do it like you mean it, but don't forget your own strength. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain, try not to cross that line but by all means...run up to it.

IF YOU WANT TO BE CELIBATE, THEN WALK AROUND WITH YOUR MOBILE PHONE ON A LITTLE HIP HOLSTER OR HAVE ONE OF THOSE BLUE TOOTH MICROPHONE THINGIES - It's not essential, but it will help.

HIDE YOUR PORN STASH FOR GOD'S SAKE - We know you have it and we are aware that in fact boys will be boys. To be honest with you, most of us might partake in the odd movie watching with you once the relationship progresses...but some things belong in the bottom drawer and not next to the toilet OK?

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE LOADS OF MONEY, DRIVE A FANCY CAR OR HAVE A HIGH FLYING JOB - But we don't want you to be constantly borrowing money off us and your mates, have no way of getting around and no job. You see gentleman, there comes a time when you have to pull your finger out your ass and grow the fuck up. If you are over the age of 24, are not a student, have a jumbo jet size bong, live with 6 room mates and work at Mcdonalds....well...really? Do I really need to tell you this?

We love you. Porn stash and all. xx

THE LADY BEHIND OBNOXIOUS OWL'S NEW BANNER DESIGN - MOTEL7

Motel7 better known to me as Toyah is talent incarnate. We met 3 years ago in Cape Town, subsequently because she read one of my blogs where I was ignorantly bitching and whining about the lack of fashion sense in the Mother City and she jokingly reprimanded me and offered to take me to a new club where all the then 'cool kids' collected. I hadn't lived in South Africa for 6 years so in fact this magnificent 19 year old kid was reintroducing me to my home, and she didn't even know it. We've been tight ever since. I haven't seen her for the last two years but there has been no losing touch. Especially as she is now one of the freshest, abundantly talented and coolest fucking graffiti and fine artist that has left Africa. Rarely do you find such a humble soul underneath all this madness. Motel is young, beautiful and obviously gifted but along comes with it is a perseverance and maturity that makes her work just that much more intriguing.

I am honoured and fucking STOKED that she has taken time out between painting and preparing for a new exhibition to design my new banner for Obnoxious Owl.

OK, enough kissing her ass and let's ask this broad some questions.....

Q: SO TELL US WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY RESIDING AND WHY?

A: I am currently living in Oslo, Norway. Out of convenience more than anything else I guess. I have family here, and starting to get to know the people, so every day it becomes easier to live here. Next stop, Japan! (no family there mind you!)

Q: SO HOW DOES THE 'SCENE' DIFFER IN NORWAY COMPARED TO HOME?

A: The graffiti scene here in Norway is different for many reasons: Firstly, Oslo has a much older, developed understanding of graffiti. South Africa is still very divided and people struggle to get out of their bubble. Here in Oslo I can paint any style I want, and I don't get hate for it. In South Africa every piece someone does gets scrutinized on the web. I don't think they are painting enough that might be the problem....

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part huit

MAKE YOUR APARTMENT A NICE PLACE TO LIVE - I seriously believe the place in which you dwell is one of the many reflections of you. So you have dishes gathering mould, a smelly bathroom, ugly furniture and dust on every conceivable surface...is this a reflection of yourself you are willing to put out there? Thought not. Clean up you dirty mare. Purchase some fabulous retro furniture from second hand shops and paint it wonderful colours or if that doesn't butter your bread then hit that Swedish giant IKEA, they sell nice lampshades and rugs for like 50 cents or something. You can get scented candles and BAM ALL PURPOSE CLEANER for a $1 at The Reject Shop. Just for the love of all that is sanitary CLEAN UP! If you have nice photos then put them on display. If you can paint or draw then get creative my darlings and put something marvelous on your walls. If you live somewhere that even you don't want to be, then how can you expect to receive any visitors? Come now, you know it makes sense.

PAINT YOUR TOENAILS AND KEEP YOUR FEET LOOKING SEXY - OK, so you want to wear gorgeous summer sandals and flip flops but your feet look like train wrecks? You go right ahead sunshine, that just means more boys for me!

DO NOT PRETEND TO LIKE THE SAME THINGS THE BOY YOU ARE CRUISING DOES. HE WILL FIND OUT. - So you love football, Dan Brown, Radiohead and surfing too? Yeah right. Just be yourself you desperate whore.

DO NOT BE THE ONE TO WHIP OUT THE CONDOM FOR THE FIRST TIME - Right, so you are a single girl with a drawer full of rubbers? Look, I'm all for safe sex - quite frankly there is no other way - but nothing screams 'slut bag' if you have a little stash of penis raincoats by your bedside table. He should be the gentleman and provide the precaution. And if he was not carrying any on him this could mean two things; a) He probably never uses one and therefore there is a very high chance he has 'knob rot' and you probably should not be doing sexual acrobats with him anyway; or b) He might have been trying to be a gentleman and wanted to wait a while before you got your freak on then you just went and ruined it by jumping the sexual gun. I'm telling ya, it's tricky stuff this first time business.

LEARN TO CHANGE A TIRE, KILL YOUR OWN SPIDERS AND DO YOUR TAXES - Come now girlies, there were a bunch of broads way back when who burnt their brassier's for us. We get bikini waxes for God's sake...WE'RE TOUGH! Being independent is sexy, so stop looking like some feeble little fairy who can't do anything. ALTHOUGH, if you are trying to snag a particularly beautiful creature in the form of a man sometimes a little 'Oh dear knight, please rescue me' tactic can sometimes come in handy. But please do it in such a way that does not make you look fucking stupid. Tough call I know, but you are a clever bird, you can figure it out.

AVOID THOSE FAKE PRADA, GUCCI AND LOUIS VUITTON BAGS FROM ASIA - They suck. End of story. Yes, you can hardly tell the difference and yes, no one will know. But YOU will know. There is more dignity in carrying around a $2 tote from a grocery store than there is in a fake $1200 LV clutch you got for 50 bucks. What exactly is the message you are trying to convey here? Just wait for the real thing sugar, it will be worth it. A bit like love.

Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.

OK, so I'm just gonna say it from the start. This is a blog about blow jobs. Now I have to be careful here because my dear mother reads my blog entries. But I did dish out some advice in an earlier entry advising that you should learn to give decent head in order to be somewhat in power. I also then realised that this made me sound like some kind of connoisseur which it in fact...it does. Kidding kidding, look I'm no expert on the subject of fellatio but I do think I might know a thing or two, as a lady who has had very few complaints. Ehrm, OK maybe a few. Geez, this is awkward. Look I'm only writing this 'cause you lot asked me to OK?

OK ... here goes ...

EYE CONTACT - Keep your hair out of your face and keep looking up at him - they love this.

EASY DOES IT - When I say 'easy' I mean 'go slow' not BE easy, because this kind of act should only be dished out to those that are entitled to the privilege. And ladies...it IS a privilege.

USE YOUR HANDS WISELY - Be careful when introducing your hands with your um, mouth because you could be calling curtain at a very early stage.

WATCH OUT FOR FRICTION - I'm only going to ever say this once, but a good dose of um...spit...goes along way. I'm just saying.

WATCH THE CHOMPERS - Yeah ladies...teeth. Most girls wrap their lips around their teeth to protect the gentleman, but all that does is it creates a hard ridge. Just shield your bottom teeth with your tongue and open your mouth as wide as possible so that your top teeth stay clear. Ehrm, can't believe I just wrote that.

DON'T FORGET THE UM, SCROTUM - They love it, they really do. Look that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Yes yes yes, this hasn't been the most insightful bit of information I admit. And I don't want to come off as a some kind of harlot, I'm just tryna help a sister out OK?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part sept

ANY GARMENT MADE OUT OF POLYESTER STRETCH SATIN SCREAMS TACKY - Come now girls. Unless you are a stripper named Cookie, Candy or any other kind of confectionery this is not a good idea. Nothing good can come of it. Very rarely are there items of clothing made out of this ghastly fabric that make the cut. It's clingy in all the wrong places, it runs, it pulls, the hemline is almost always uneven and the big word here is POLYESTER. Not chic honey.

IT'S ONE THING TO BE INSPIRED BUT IT'S QUITE ANOTHER TO BE A COPY CAT - OK, so you have a mate whose style, boyfriend, bedspread and general lifestyle you admire. That's cool. So get a boyfriend of your own who is equally as lovely instead of making a play for hers, be just as inventive in your interior decorating choices instead of finding out the make and style of what she has and go and buy the exact same one. She might look wondrous in that purple leather miniskirt, however if your legs look like tree stumps you may want to rethink the mini skirt and instead be inspired by her ability to dress according to her best attributes. I swear we've all had a friend that slowly started sounding and dressing like us and batted her copy cat eyelashes at our man. DON'T BE THAT GIRL. Ever watched 'Single White Female'?

PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE NIPPLE TUNING - Look ladies, when you make love and such with a man, you are taking on a responsibility. This responsibility is to nurture and direct him towards becoming a better lover. If they tune your nipples like they are trying to get 92.5FM and you don't tell them it does not feel good they will think you fucking love it and continue the trend with another unlucky female. Don't pretend to enjoy it - you ain't doing them or us a favor, just softly nudge them in the right direction. And it doesn't stop at 'nipple tuning'...there is bad kissing, squeezing your tits like they are stress balls (listen dickheads, they are actually attached OK?), slobbering in your ear (it's happened), one night stands expecting the works when clearly it's just drive through and not a three course damn meal and using teeth in any sort of way. Please girls, once you're done with them, make sure they are well trained and enlightened in the art of sexy time.

DO NOT TRY TO CUT YOUR OWN FRINGE - It just never works out. You end up looking special needs. Most hairdressing salons don't charge for a fringe trim anyway, so there's no frikkin excuse you lazy girl.

SPLIT THE BILL - Geez you cheap arseholes, come now....so their chicken parmagana was like $5 more expensive than your garden salad....who fucking cares?! If you couldn't afford to go out for dinner then you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. And don't sit around waiting for your $1.75 change either, give the hard working waiter a tip God dammit! Do you want him to rub your steak between his ass next time? Well, DO YOU? This does not apply if the dinner was a date however, especially a first date and ESPECIALLY if he asked you out, then he should definitely pick up the tab. But if you asked him out well then obviously you should be the one reaching for your wallet and don't be expecting him to pay every time either. A certain amount of woo is necessary from the male, but there does come a time when the lady needs to rise up and pay her blinking way. This ain't the 50's darling, however fabulous that era may have been.

God speed xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part six

YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A PUBESCENT - Serisly, ittt looks slightly retarded when you's type lik thiiisss. If yOu R )vEr the @ge of 16 & u typppe like yooou R uSiNg yourrr elbowssss *** then you arrre basicallly sayyying you havve had No eDuCaTiOn wat soooo eva **** $$% !!! muppets, I bet you're first word was lol.

REMOVE THE PRICE TAG FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR SHOES - It's all about attention to detail darlings.

DO NOT NAG YOUR MAN - Nothing grinds their gears more than a nagging female. Even the Bible tells you not to (Proverbs 1 vs 1 - 6). Also, it makes them feel like a kid and it makes you feel like an old bag...what good could possibly come from this? Ask nicely once, second time just a friendly reminder...then for the third time shag their best friend - kidding kidding...no seriously, nagging is often seen as criticism, so your boy will inevitably tune out and make what you're saying ineffective. Just acknowledge your different perspectives on whatever the subject is your nagging about. And fellas here's a hint - if you are being nagged, accept your responsibility in creating an environment that has triggered a nagging response. Geez haven't I told you before? We're not your mother.

LEARN TO GIVE DECENT HEAD - You will have him by the balls. (Further advice on this subject will require it's very own blog entry - stay tuned)

WATCH WHAT YOU THROW AWAY IN YOUR BATHROOM WASTEPAPER BIN - ESPECIALLY if you have a date coming over. That may be a red lipstick stain on that tissue but hey...just cover your ass is all I'm saying.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE - If you have them, you don't need to get them out in order for people to know you do. There is a time and a place girls. For instance, dinner with your man friends parents - not the time nor the place. Filling out a to-die-for Wheels and Doll Baby 1950's frock? - Definitely the time and place. Sometimes the attention you get from getting the mammary glands out is not really the attention we should be welcoming.

Adios - I'm off to have nachos xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway...SPECIAL EDITION - HOMME

This one's for the boys. Listen up fellas, do not think you were sitting all high and dry on your pedestal whilst I dealt out advice for your female counterparts. There's a couple o' things you could take on board yourselves....

IF YOU LIKE HER...CALL HER - You see, the problem with us calling or making the first move is that we often get viciously labeled 'psycho' and sometimes even the word 'clingy' is thrown around. OK, generally I do call and message first, well mainly because I don't take any of my own advice. But seriously, find some balls and dial that babes number.

DON'T BAPTISE YOURSELVES IN AFTERSHAVE, THIS AIN'T THE COMING OF THE LORD AND I DOUBT HE'LL CARE WHAT YOU SMELL LIKE - Fair dues, we ladies like a nice smelling gentleman. However, sometimes the scent is more overpowering than a brand new car fragrance pad thingie. Just a smidge boys, just a smidge. There is nothing better than just catching a subtle whiff of something sexy from an equally sexy man. But we just want it to softly caress our nostrils, not sodomise them. Comprende?

JUST DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA DO - It's all we ask. If you say you'll call then call. If you say you want to see her again...then yup that's right...see her again. If you promise to try on her underwear then ...wait hang on, never mind that. Seriously though, we get all 'psycho' (only a man could come up with that fucking word) when you leave us hanging. Just be straight with us OK sugar?

WE'RE NOT YOUR MUM'S - Learn to cook, it's sexy. We don't enjoy taking over where Mummy left off. Sure you are the apple of her eye, but to us you are another kind of produce. The kind Mum's don't need to know about.

HYGIENE - Yes smelling nice is good, but emptying a can of deodorant on yourself after a workout ain't gonna do anything. It's just gonna add to the pungency, take a frikkin shower you dirty bastard. Generally us normal chicks just enjoy a clean, non fancy over gelled hair styled boy. Chill out on the hair product and make more use of the soap and toothpaste.

WE LIKE SEX TOO. ALOT. - Stop trying to 'nail' us as if you are doing us some big favor. We probably want to get naked and sweaty too, often the difference is we want to make it more worthwhile instead of a quick 'in and out' (excuses my crassness) just to say we've done her, I mean it. Figure out what we want by....here's the big secret....asking us. If we are just another girl on the factory conveyor belt that is your love life then guess what....we can tell. Thanks to 'Sex and the City' it became acceptable to lay it on the table...yup that's right gentlemen, girls talk. So instead of trying to plough us with your funny little one liners, learn about the clitosorous rex.

SOME GIRLS LIKE NICE ARMS, OTHERS LIKE A GOOD SET OF GNASHERS BUT MOST GIRLS LOOK AT SHOES - I'm not kidding. Obviously things like CROCS (ew, I vowed that brand would never make it onto my blog...oh well), those hiking velcro strappy sandal train wrecks and socks with sandals are all a given. But I am writing this blog for my kinda girl, and MY kinda girl would rather stick a fork in her eye than be seen with a dude in pointy toed alligator, python or any other kind of reptile skin shoe. Not chic at all. Not one bit. Just keep it simple and relatively trendy. Converse, Nike's (air force one's not running shoes, and NOT with jeans either), VANS Authentic, bog standard rubber flip flops, simple soft leather dress shoes. Come now gentleman, take one of your lady friends on a shoe shopping trip.

Seriously though, we love you. We really do. That's what kills us.

To be continued...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cing

BUY JEANS THAT FIT YOU - I swear to God, denim can be to your ass like Wonderbra's are to your tits. The trick is to find the right fit. If you have a wobbly belly then indulge in some high waisted sexy pants, if you have shapely pins then rock the skinnies but for the love of Joseph, Mary and Jesus DON'T try to squeeze anymore luggage into an already stuffed suitcase. You get my drift sweeties?

IF YOU'RE GOING GREY THEN PUT SOME GARNIER NUTRIESSE ON THAT SHIT - I don't really care how old you are, yes yes yes you are too YOUNG to be going grey, but the truth of the matter is...you are. Deal with it, then embrace the colour. I am the ripe sexy old age of 28 and I sometimes find a little white sneaky hair in my barnet, the problem is...is that if you pull one of those suckers out then four come to the funeral. I am not at the stage where I need to dye it yet per say but if you are then do it, and trust me, you'll know when it's time. Whomever said one should age gracefully were talking out of their ungroomed ass.

DON'T TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM BEFORE HE TELLS YOU - The thing is, men are not like us. They succumb to peer pressure. Half the time when they have uttered those three words to you they haven't even admitted it to their buddies. I KNOW sometimes you need to bite your tongue so hard you may bite it off to stop yourself from saying it, but trust me, it's worth it. Because I'm telling ya...bite your tongue now, or it'll bite you in the ass later.

IF SOMEONE SHOWS EVEN A HINT OF HOMOPHOBIA, RACISM OR ANY OTHER KIND OF 'ISM' THEN SHOW THEM THE DOOR - Do not even bother trying to expand the mind of the ignorant, someone once told them that it's bliss, and they agreed.

TRAVEL - It's good for you. It's also something that needs to be done on a whim. You'll never have enough money, and there will never be a perfect time. Do it do it do it. But for Pete's sake (who is Pete?) DON'T go to any of those tacky Spanish or Greek resorts where you drink in the Red Lion with a bunch of over tanned Brits and order chips with everything. i.e. paella and chips. It's so far away from being chic it's scary.

IF YOU HAVE A THOUGHT, WRITE IT DOWN - It might make a totally wonderful blog.

Kisses and good night xx

GREAT SONGS FOR A DANCE OFF

So I have this great friend named Asha Davies. We mainly bonded over a love for Indian culture, hairy boys and red wine but the thing we both loved to do is dance like no one is watching. Actually, we're both exhibitionists so we are probably always hoping that everyone is watching. These are some of the ultimate songs that need to be the soundtrack to you burning a hole in the dance floor...

• Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio. I dare you not to produce Pulp Fiction esque dance moves.
• Ever Fallen in Love? by The Buzzcocks. Someone is bound to fall in love with you while you're grooving to this number.
• Rock Lobster by The B52's. This one actually belongs to my friend Beck. It's infectious.
• Hummingbird by Born Ruffians. This will always make you feel like you are in a cool club in New York, even though you are just in your front room in owl print pyjamas. Um....not that I ever do that.
• Flux by Bloc Party. Try not to tap your foot...I dare ya.
• Groove is in the Heart by Deelite. Get your disco on baby.
• Skeleton Boy by Friendly Fires. I recommend this for a dance off on mass.
• Get Down by The Kills. This is all about the shoulders.
• Standing in the Way of Control by The Gossip - preferably the Soulwax remix. Listen to it, you'll know what I mean.
• ANYTHING by The Rapture. And I do mean ANYTHING.
• Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order. This requires alot of singing along and kneeling.

Well there we go. These are just a few. I'm not telling you all of my favourites. Some things are sacred don't you know.
Go forth and groove.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quatre

GET A BRAZILIAN - Sure it hurts more than a Chinese burn and can be somewhat pricey, but once you've had it, there is no going back. And really, hair is SO five years ago.

PICK SOMEONE. DON'T GET PICKED - I stand by this. You aren't a vegetable for sale, that needs to be checked for ripeness and quality...you do the prodding thank you. You picking up what I'm putting down?

IF THERE IS NO REPLY AFTER 2 MESSAGES, THEN STOP TEXTING - No he hasn't lost his phone, no it's not because he doesn't have any phone credit and no his battery is not flat. He just doesn't want to reply. Move on and forget the lame ass.

TELL YOUR MUM AND DAD YOU LOVE THEM - Seriously, it makes them super happy. But only say it if you mean it, don't say it just because you have an ulterior motive. That makes you a wanker.

TAKE LOADS OF PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING - You'll wish you had. The beauty of photography is that it captures a moment that not even the mind can hold forever.

DE CLUTTER YOUR LIFE OF DICKHEADS - Don't worry, they probably mean alot to someone else, so don't feel too guilty about kicking them to the curb. Do it nicely mind you, otherwise YOU are the dickhead.

DRINK RED WINE - It makes you look sophisticated. But watch the stain on your teeth and lips, not chic baby.

EVERY MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR FASHION - Ya never know whom you are gonna bump into and if people are gonna judge you, let them judge something fabulous.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.