Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trois

IF HE TALKS ABOUT HIS FAMILY DISRESPECTFULLY DUMP HIM - Seems harsh I know. But they are his blood and that's how he speaks about them, imagine how he will speak about you? Not cool.

IF YOU GO TO SEE A BAND, MAKE THE EFFORT AND DANCE - Scenesters...people are staring at you not because you look cool, but because you look fucking miserable. If you spend 50 bucks to go see a band, make the most of it. Dance, drink and be merry. How can you say you 'love this band' if you just stand against the wall looking over styled and underwhelmed? Get over yourselves.

LEARN TO COOK SOMETHING - If you just learn how to make like 3 things, and you make them really well, you will trick people into thinking you are a good cook. Living off those 99c packets of noodle things and take-away is terribly un chic darling. Mastering the art of a good tomato sauce, pesto and roast chicken will open the doors for a multitude of dishes. Stop acting retarded and learn to work your oven.

SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE - I'm serious. If you are in love, it is a way of showing your love but it is not how we love. Sometimes we just need a warm body, sometimes we have animal urges and most times we just have low self esteem that needs boosting but random sex is only going to make you feel worse. Learn to tell the difference.

BUY SECOND HAND - Retro furniture and clothing are often way fresher, original and lets not forget cheaper. Use your imagination and make the most of the individuality you've been blessed with. But for the love of Chanel, DON"T buy second hand underwear, sheets, knives & forks nor towels. If I need to tell you why, then you are more disgusting than I thought.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SOMETHING, IF IT DOESN'T SUIT YOU DON'T WEAR IT - I'm in love with those Lady Gaga esque sequin knicker thingies. But have you ever tried to pour a pint into a half pint glass? I've made my point.

WATCH THE NEWS AND READ THAT BIG BLACK AND WHITE THING CALLED THE NEWSPAPER - Whoever said ignorance is bliss, were just admitting that they actually know stuff all.

Go forth and conquer xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part deux

IF HE IS NOT ANSWERING YOUR CALLS NOR REPLYING TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES ITS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO - Yes, this is a hard fact to face. Rejection is like a big icy wind slapping you in the face, it sucks giant balls and makes you feel disposable. But the guys a douche and why bother stroking his ego when you could be stroking something else? Move on and delete him from facebook.

EATING LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES A DAY WILL MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT - This shit is the Gospel. Forget the soup diets, the shake diets and the no eating diets...you can't do those forever. Calorie counting is the way forward. If you burn more than you consume you lose weight. It's that basic. By calorie counting, you are not depriving yourself of anything fabulous. You can have that slab of chocolate, but you will have to accept that that is probably all you can eat that day. Portion control baby...PORTION CONTROL. Listen to me...I've lived it and learnt it.

START PUTTING MONEY ASIDE AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - You will thank me for this. Being broke is possibly the worst feeling in the fucking universe. Well, that and not having any replies to your text messages. Don't make your head the bulls eye on the dartboard that is life.

LISTEN TO THE TEMPER TRAP - It is like they are making love to your ears.

CLEAN THE MOULD OFF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AND THE GROUTING OF YOUR TILES - If you don't then you are disgusting and people judge you by the cleanliness of your bathroom.

DON'T WEAR BEIGE - Beige is not a colour...it's a lifestyle choice.

GO ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN BALI - There is a big wide world out there. Buy a globe and check the mother fucker out.

FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING - That shit is just whack.

BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN COMPANY - Nobody likes a clingy or needy girlfriend/sister/friend. You just piss people off and they pity you. You were given a brain, a few talents and the ability to be independant - it really is a true sin if you don't make use of these things.

PUT SOME SLAP ON - Nobody can look natural without a bit of make-up. Oh the irony.

You are all rockstars xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part un

OK, so I've been around for 28 years now and I've gained alot of baggage (both physically and emotionally) and with it, comes experience...so listen up my lovely's...

MASTURBATE. I'm not joking. Take $40 of your hard earned cash and by yourself a cute little vibrator in a girly colour like pink or lavender. PLEASE avoid those life size, flesh coloured monstrosities, they are not chic and the height of tackyness. Then settle down and enjoy some 'me' time. This is important. You need to know that those feelings you can get from sex are not because of the boy giving them to you, it's because you are a WOMAN with a powerful body and you are doing that yourself. You don't need a shitty boy to give you those feelings. I wish my mum told me this when I was younger so I didn't go through life attaching emotions to dudes who made me feel wonderful when all I had to do was service myself. Then save the good stuff for somebody worth it.

WEAR EYE CREAM AND REMOVE THAT GUNKY MASCARA BEFORE YOU GO TO BED! Seriously, those fucking wrinkles appear out of no where. And EVERYONE knows the eyes are the first to age. It's never too young to start so just do it. Go! Go now! Do it!

WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT. Sod funny looks from people and trying to 'fit in'. You are creative and beautiful and people who snigger are just jealous of your bravery. Do it. Clash colours, wear heels to the supermarket, try that green eye shadow. Why the hell not?

DRINK LOADS OF WATER. This is the truth. It's the best thing for your skin. Every magazine and every celebrity tells you to do it. They aren't lying.

LISTEN TO THE PIXIES. They are the best band in the world. The end.

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF AND PAY YOUR WAY. If you are living at home past the age of 18 and you aren't a student, give your mum some dosh for the damn groceries. Clean the toilet. Make your bed. Welcome to the real world sunshine.

YOU KNOW THOSE BITCHES AT SCHOOL WHO ALWAYS CALL YOU NAMES AND MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL? By the time they are 25 they'll have 2 kids, be in a unhappy marriage and start to look like their mums. This is no joke.

GET INTO ART. There is seriously something for everybody. It's wonderful. Try it.

DONT GET THAT TATTOO TILL AFTER YOU ARE 25! You will hate it. You really will. Your twenties are all about growing and learning the lessons. Do you even like the things or dressed like you did last year? What makes you think that ink you got when you were 18 will still be relevant when you're 30? Think about it baby. Imagine having a tribal butterfly tramp stamp at the base of your back! Yeah 'cause um...it's not like I would know...or anything. So um yeah.

That's all I got for now...stay tuned. I know I seem a bit arrogant, but I'm only telling you the things I wish someone told me.

You are all amazing x

14 reasons why it sucked

OK so here's the deal. Me + men are a pathetic match. Yet again I have been part of a failed relationship, this time it only last 4 months and we only had sex once (it was long distance). If I'm being honest, I kinda knew it was doomed from the start, for several reasons:

1. He lived in Cape Town, and I reside in Western Australia. Great, already off to a superb start.
2. He was more jealous than that bird in Fatal Attraction - and we all know how that turned out.
3. I hated his surname. I wont mention it in respect of privacy, but seriously, it was bad.
4. He had no money, and this did not bother him. I don't have much neither, but it does bother me.
5. He was a stoner. And no, I don't mean having a sneaky joint with a beer on the weekend, I mean having a few tugs on his bong for breakfast, lunch and supper. Sometimes even a midnight snack.
6. Because of reason number 5 he had a very poor or maybe it was a 'selective' memory. i.e. "Really? Did we speak yesterday?" Yeah. I know.
7. I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me. This might explain the unreasonable jealousy.
8. I think if he went to see a shrink he would come out with 'sociopath' stamped on his report.
9. Not such a great kisser. Kinda did the pointy darty tongue thing. (OK, now I'm just being a bitch)
10. He never came to say goodbye on my last day in South Africa.
11. He didn't kiss me goodbye the morning after.
12. He never sent me a birthday card. I sent him some clothes and on my birthday he asked me for the tracking number for the parcel.
13. He asked for money, and when I was unable to give it he became nasty and petulant.
14. He was mean about my friends.

So yeah...he sounds like a winner. 'So why go out with him?' you ask....well dear readers for several reasons....ehrm...

1. I was on holiday in my home town and more bored than a student on study leave, so the night he took me out for a ride on the back of his bike and made sweet sweet love to me won me over from the start.
2. I kinda think me and him are cut from the same mould, except I have managed to see the error of my ways, and continuously try to correct them. This may sound arrogant, but blogs are meant to be honest.
3. He had some really great tattoo's.
4. In the beginning he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.
5. When we first became 'official' he was extremely focused on sorting out visa's, passports and saving money for his plane ticket to Aus.
6. I found him incredibly alluring.
7. He was very good friends with my sister, and she never warned me. Well, she KIND of did, but it was a bit like getting a text message alert for a tornado.
8. I had someone who sent me wonderful text messages and it seriously added sparkle to my day.
9. I was desperate.

Well there you have it. 14 reasons why it was a bad idea and 9 reasons why it was swell. And lets be honest, those 9 reasons aren't even that good.

Even though he was a bit of a DICK to me, I still miss him. Yup, I'm a sucker for punishment evidently. But I'm 28 years old, by now you'd think I'd be able to get it right. *sigh*

So obviously this long distance thing came with rather large phone bills. I got my phone bill for last month and it was not nearly as humongous as I anticipated. Every cloud.....