Fr Fr Fr Friday!!

Here's a lil something to take you into the weekend.  I love it 'cause it reminds me of driving in a van with my crew through Somerset in England and also, it kinda puts a warm glow around the weekend which is here.  Enjoy.  And remember...take good care of yourselves. And each other. x

Anyone for a cider?

Do you all remember the incident last year when I went to smack a fly away (damn you Australia and your fly epidemic, you lot are cursed!) thus knocking a fresh glass of Shiraz all over my very beautiful and very SWITCHED ON laptop. It coughed, it spluttered, it died. Fuck. A writer with no computer is much like a daddy long legs with all his venom and no means with which to release it on the world. In fact, it is EXACTLY like that! Do you read Obnoxious Owl? It’s WELL venomous man.

Now this show down happened in February...that’s like 1, 2, 3, 4 ... fucking 9 months with no computer! I’ve been banging out all my magazine submissions, blog posts, emails via some donkey tech computer that I’m pretty sure Noah had his excel spreadsheet on when he was counting the animals onto his ark.

So after getting trips abroad, new kicks, moving house outta the way...I finally bit the bullet and purchased a new machine. This is where shit started confusing the hell out of me. The crew I hang with are the creative types, you know...photographers/’DJ’s/graphic designers blah di blah...the usual. They all pretty much have sex with their Apple Macs. No sorry...they make sweet sweet love to the fucking things. And who can blame them really because aesthetically, Mac is pretty sexy I will admit. The sleek silver casing and the little lit up apple definitely cause a bit of precipitation in my knickers. I am after all, female, and we like things pretty. Not to mention the non virus issue...which I’ll confess, is something to think about.

My best mate Beck (who I suspect works for Apple on the sly) is married to her Macbook Pro. She is ALWAYS tryna convert me to the fruity side. Showing me all its party tricks and gimmicks and momentarily, I do get drawn in by the sparkly lights and technological wonderment. Beck, however, is a photographer. She uses all the gizmos and cool shit and other such snappy things on the reg which is why I totes understand why her Mac is her child.

So I went ahead and bought a Sony VAIO.  Here’s the thing...I like PC. I like how it’s always kind of temperamental and neurotic...a bit like a writer! I’m not some sleek, modern creative. I’m that neurotic, always a little ‘crazy’ kooky words worth type. I just feel like Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty woman’ when she walks into that boutique still in her whore attire and the shop assistants look at her as if she pissed on their kids when I run my ghetto manicured hands over the keys of anything Apple. I’m also no fucking Shakespeare...especially when I always say ‘fucking’ and write about taking it up the ass. It sorta makes sense that I embrace anything that may contain a virus really.  I fancy myself as an eccentric Woody Allen type that hasn't quite gotten around to upgrading their gadgets.

I predict that no doubt  me and the glowing fruit will one day embrace, but not quite yet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ctrl+alt+dlt and go make a cup of tea while I wait for this to load.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-sept

KICK IT OLD SCHOOL AND GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS DEVELOPED - And make real life actual albums!  And remember, snaps of your holiday are only interesting to YOU...much like your dreams.  Trim the fat on the boring blow by blow details...i.e. 'This is us waiting for a cab' and 'This is us in a cab' - don't beige others to tears please.

IT SHOULDN'T HURT WHEN HE FUCKS YOU - I mean sometimes it might, like if he has an unusually large dick for example...but then...how often does that happen?  Exactly.  It may hurt slightly if you haven't had a wee and you have a full bladder.  But generally it should feel pretty wonderful.  You know your own body girl, so you know if something is a little 'off', ya know?  Sort it out.

REMEMBER: WIPE FRONT TO BACK - Can't believe I have to tell you this shit.

YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH YOUR STYLE ALL ON YOUR OWN - You KNOW you took inspo from mags/movies/music vids/people on the street.  Don't be claiming shit that ain't yours then get angrified when people take inspiration from YOU.  If you have mad style, then people will copy.  The trick is to keep it fresh...and hard to keep up with.  People can tell whether its original or not...belee dat.

FACEBOOK CHAT IS RUBBISH FOR SEX CHAT - It has technological AIDS. Skype is way better...do not underestimate the 'muscle man' emoticon and the never fail 'horny devil'. For instance.

YES CONVERSE DO MAKE YOUR FEET LOOK SLIGHTLY LONGER - But everyone knows they do, so its not like everyone is gonna think that you have canoes for feet, you get me? 

SOMETIMES, IN A WORLD FULL OF SOCIAL NETWORKS, TEXTING GAMES, TO 'X' OR NOT TO 'X' AND GENERAL MODERN PARAPHERNALIA, YOU GOTS TO KEEP THE DATING GAME CLASSIC IF YOU REALLY LIKE THE PERSON - i.e. Don't fuck on the first date.  Wrist jobs are ok though.

Up the bum means no babies xx

Corinne Day 1965 - 2010

I have had this image of Kate Moss on my pinboard for as long as I can remember...I tore it out of some old magazine from some old place. Corinne's photographs speak for themselves, I don't need to say anymore.

London has lost a great Corinne x

CLAW MONEY - Artist/Designer/Increddy broad

Lemme explain why I have mad love for Claw Money.
1) Her writing back in the 90's was what first grabbed me. I love girls in graffiti. Why? Because its fucking hard to stand your ground and get taken seriously by the boys. You have to have that 'somethin' to hold your own, and that 'somethin' is to be respected and admired.
2) She doesn't rest on her laurels...i.e. she makes shit happen.  She has owned herself as a walking talking brand and took that to the next level. Her steeze translates into her clothing and accessory line (particularly her sunglasses)...and it is off the captain hook mate.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY

OWN AT LEAST ONE SUIT - It needs to fit perfectly and make you look like James Bond. It needs to not be polyester.  Your mum shouldn't have helped you buy it when you were 17 for your year 12 ball.  The sleeves should not cover knuckles.  A velvet suit can be hot...jus sayin.

IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN OUR BUM AND DON'T SPIT ON IT OR LUBE IT UP SOMEHOW, IT WILL HURT - You bastard.

MAKE IT FEEL AS IF YOU ARE GOING TO RAPE US - But then don't. I'm not saying rape is cool, rape is bad. But to most girls, the feeling of danger is a total turn on.  If you are a girl, and you have been genuinely raped and you're reading this, I'm sorry.  But I'm not deleting this, because its the truth. 

STOP DESCRIBING GIRLS AS 'STARFISH' WHEN THEY JUST 'LAY THERE' - Ever thought that you may be a 'dud fuck' arsehole?  She was prolly just bored.

IF YOU READ A TEXT MESSAGE, AND THEN QUICKLY PUT YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET AND DART A LOOK OVER AT YOUR MISSUS, SHE WILL BE SUSPICIOUS - Stop being a wanker and tryna turn your girl into some kinda psycho just so that you a) feel needed and b) can get into a 'who has the most psycho girlfriend' debate with your friends.  We're onto you.......

IF YOU HAVE LONG HAIR, WEARING IT IN A BUN IS NOT A GOOD LOOK - Who do you think you are?  Mr Miyagi some shit?

Love you x 

Deposit for the Wank Bank: Chad Muska

I would totally smoke Chad Muska.  OK, he spells his name 'Mu$ka' which is a bit LameCity, but then, I think I would totes do the same thing if I had an 'S' in my name.  My crush on Chad baby started way back when I first saw him in 'Shorty's Fulfill the Dream', I was like, 'Cut me off a piece of THAT!' And the way he used to cruise on his board with a boom box on his shoulder?  Swoon!  And how good is the name 'Chad'?  It's so manly and African country like.  I am assuming that old mate is more than likely a bit of a cock...but hey, I only said I wanted to do filthy things with him, not fucking marry the dude.  Imagine how many pairs of Supra's I'd get as well?

I lust you Chad Muska!

Love Obnoxiou$ Owl xxx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-six

SOMETIMES, LIKE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU - I know it sometimes seems that everything in your life is in the toilet and that everyone else around you looks like their life is sparkly and full of rainbows...nah ah sister, why don't you ask someone how THEY are doing for a change?   Sometimes when you are whinging and whining, I can almost guarantee that your mate is listening to you and thinking, 'Look love, could you kindly fuck off I am in the middle of booking an abortion here' ... We don't always know what somebody else may be going through is all I'm saying.

CLEAN YOUR DILDO/VIBRATOR - I didn't want to use the word 'crusty' but...you've left me no other option.  Please ladies, look after your hot box.

STOP ASKING IF YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ONLY WEIGH 50KG - Its annoying to those of us who weigh a little more and it also makes people want to rugby tackle you to the ground, and force feed you mars bars.  Work on that insecurity honey.

IF YOU USED TO BE THIN AND YOU PUT ON A BIT OF WEIGHT, THEN YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE HOW YOU USED TO WHEN YOU WERE THIN - And when I say a bit of weight, I mean like 10kg.  Often I see girls who look bigger than what they actually are because they dress wrong, then the truly curvy girls look banging because they dress accordingly.  Plus, you know yourself if you have put on some weight...don't act surprised.

BOYS HATE IT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT OUR PERIOD - It's blood coming out of our vagina's...can you fucking blame them?  Come on ladies! Some decorum if you please tsk tsk

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN VAGINA ... then how can you expect him to eat at Restaurant De la Pussy?

Keep it clean x

Sorry about all the talk of period and vagina's.  It's been one of those weeks x

$ O $

I introduced you to my tattoo artist and friend back in Cape Town,  Tyler Murphy a few weeks ago here
Well here is the man once again fucking hand poking Ninja from Die Antwoord.  This shit took 11 hours, and the video was directed by Die Antwoord's other half, Yolandi Vi$$er.  This is zef style next level shit. 

MS FITZ - Stylist

Amongst the filler flowers in the arrangment we call this world, there will always be one exotic bloom poking it's way through the shrubbery.  It's the one that first catches your attention and confuses you because you don't know what it's called...but it is the one you will remember.  Ms Fitz is someone you will remember.  When I first layed my eyes on this creature it was love at first sight.  Her work has been featured on Germanys Next Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance, Numerous runway shows and publications such as Oyster, Rolling Stone, Grazia etc etc.  Style no doubt comes naturally to this peacock of a woman, but so does music ... she has performed with Rye Rye and Peaches and toured with The Gossip.  Impressive as it is, this vixens resume was only a minor factor in me wanting her featured on O.Owl, I wanted her face on here because of her bad ass, no holds barred, middle finger pulling, making dogs howl and babies cry mother fucking steeze.  It's ladies such as this that make me proud to have a pussy.  Australia...this girl is reppin you in NYC, how happy are you?!  M.I.A you better step it up girl ... I'm starting to look at another a woman.

I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND ... growl. I'm not a morning person.


I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY ... when I'm at the beach. No lie, sounds corny I know- but the ocean is part of my DNA.

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