LOOK AT MY TWITS

They aren't that interesting, but I am a drama queen and I want loads of followers.

http://twitter.com/TheObnoxiousOwl > c'mon look lively!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 9

FOR BOYS ONLY

ALWAYS BEING BROKE IS NOT SEXY - Constantly having to spot you change for cigarettes, buying round after round and giving you 'lunch money' gets really boring and makes us feel like your mum. No matter how large your manhood is.

MEN DON'T HAVE TO BE THE ONES AROUND THE BBQ AND LADIES IN THE KITCHEN TALKING ABOUT HANDBAGS - It's the 21st God damn century for fucks sake.

THAT BEING SAID, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US WHO THE MAN IS IN THE BEDROOM - We like it.

PLEASE AIM FOR THE TOILET BOWL WHEN YOU ARE RELIEVING YOURSELVES - It's not so much the pee on the seat that is disgusting, but more the little puddle you leave on the floor.

DO NOT GET HIGHLIGHTS - OK, SOME girls enjoy little blonde flecks in their boys hair. But those girls have no business here. This is coming from me and my homegirls, and I'm telling ya...we don't dig. It's not so much the look that bothers me, but more the mental image of you sitting in a hairdressers chair, reading Cosmo, sipping a latte all with little foil parcels all over your head. Hmmm....not that arousing.

Owl loves boys x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-quatre

WHEN PURCHASING A NEW CAR, TRY TO STEER AWAY FROM THE COLOUR BLACK - It may look sexy to start with, but the bastard shows every conceivable bump, fingerprint and scratch. Ya need stamina for the ebony hue.

IF YOU ARE EVER CHOSEN TO DANCE ON STAGE WITH THE BAND, KEEP THE SKANK MOVES FOR YOUR BOUDOIR - For example, some ho got on stage over the weekend and tried to get her freak on and ended up kicking herself in the face. Hilarious.

DO NOT DRINK AND TEXT - I'll let ya'll go through my sent box the morning after. That shit will put you right off.

FROM THE AGE OF 25 YOU WILL NEED TO START APPLYING A NECK CREAM - The neck is added to your hands and the skin around your eyes for the things that give away your age.

VODKA AND VITAMIN WATER OVER ICE IS A GREAT DRINK - It has relatively zero calories, it's sort of healthy and it's mighty refreshing. Plus it's pretty chic...let's be honest.

IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP, GET YOUR HAND DOWN SOUTH AND INDULGE IN SOME SELF LOVE MAKING - There is not a sleeping tablet that can compare.

Good night and God bless x

OBNOXIOUS OWL PARTY

Yeah so what was supposed to be a small get together for all my rad Perth readers has turned into quite the extravaganza! Not that I'm complaining. During the planning process the horrible earthquake hit HAITI and I decided, along with my good friend Chris Hemingway (stay tuned to the blog to meet the geezer) to do my bit and help out - every little helps after all.

There will be beer, a Jamaican food van that Hemingway tracked down at the recent RaggaMuffin Festival, owl cupcakes, a pretty impressive music line up, prizes and much much more! I don't want to give too much away in my excitement but you would be mad not to join us. PLUS I wanna meet you all face to face! Just don't ask for any advice...I might not be in the right state of mind to give it and you'll end up looking more like Coco the clown than Coco Chanel.

Bloody love ya xx

IT'S A CRIME NOT TO GO LIME

Soz for the lame play on words but I'm feeling a lil girly today. And I have to stress how much I friggin love LIME CRIME cosmetics. Seriously. Like Doe Deere (the creator) says, this is the usual lipstick colour palette...

I mean, it might as well be ...(shock horror)...beige!

So she answered my prayers and introduced these bad boys...

Let's be honest...make-up is grown up candy. you would be seriously bonkers not to treat yourself. Click on the banners on the side or the bottom of my blog and spoil ya selves.

I want no beige ladies at the Owl party! 27 FEB!!!!! XXXX

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-trois

TRY AND GIVE TO SOME SORT OF CHARITY - However small. But research your charities because there alot of sharks out there. You may think your $$$ are going to an Ethiopian orphan named Ben but it may be going to line the pockets of some fuck wit with no soul.

IF YOU ARE GOING FOR THE ROCKABILLY, 1950 PIN UP LOOK, THEN DON'T SKIMP ON THE GROOMING - The 50's were all about grooming. Yeah so you have a sleeve tattoo, wear a red bandanna and smear red lippie across your face - but your greasy hair, crumpled clothes and ill fitting underwear make you look more tramp than vamp.

GO EASY ON LEARNER DRIVERS - If there ever was a 'FML' situation, it's being a learner driver. Seriously. Give them a break. Yeah, they really want to piss you off when they are petrified at an intersection and aren't sure whether to go or not, so by hooting at them and getting all road rage about it, is exactly the kind of reaction they love. You were there too once.

RED BULL IS NOT BREAKFAST - Don't do it to yourself.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN'T TELL ALL GIRLS WHO COME ON TO HIM TO 'FUCK OFF' DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU - It just means he is a nice guy. Talking to them politely and having a chat is fine! Swopping digits and putting his hand up her skirt is not. You know deep down if he is a douche bag, so get rid of him if you know he is. Otherwise, don't stand next to him like a bloody bodyguard.

ANYTHING ON THE MENU THAT HAS CREAM IN IT OR IS DESCRIBED AS 'CREAMY' WILL MAKE YOU A LARD ASS - A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

psssst....Obnoxious Owl party on the 27th Feb...pencil it in xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-deux

DON'T SHAVE BETWEEN BIKINI WAXES - Unless you are into self harm that is. Ladies, you will climb the walls if they slap hot wax onto your pubic bristles and yank that shit out. Just be patient and wait for your appointment. If you are desperate and I do mean 'About to have all frill sex with Johnny Depp' desperate then neaten up the sides and trip the bonnet. But even then I'm not even sure it's worth it.

THERE IS A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SAYING WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND BEING DOWN RIGHT RUDE - Think before you speak in other words.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'THAT COLOUR IS TOO BRIGHT' - Too bright for whom exactly? All the beige people of the world? Exactly.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN DECIDING NOT TO DRINK FOR THE EVENING - There doesn't have to be a moral reason, if your driving that's a good reason but if you just don't feel like it, then don't do it. Peer pressure is sooo 1996.

HAVE A GOOD THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN. WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. WHAT MAKES YOU TICK. WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A STAND FOR. WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO PROJECT TO THE WORLD THAT SAYS WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT - Then do it. Just saying that you don't believe in God for example, and not knowing why, makes you look kinda naive. Read a newspaper, maybe learn what your government is trying to make a stand for. Don't get annoyed when others are seeming to 'take over' - it's not their fault that you aren't holding tight on any personal values or beliefs. You kinda made yourself an easy target.

RED LIPSTICK SUITS EVERYBODY - The trick is to find your perfect shade.

DON'T BE CRYING OVER ANY FOOL THAT WOULDN'T CRY OVER YOU - If he wants it he can put a fucking ring on it. innit.

Love your bums x

Art by: Miss Van

Check out my ride ...

So at 28 years of age I finally acquired my driving license. Don't snigger... I spent the better half of my twenties in London...and driving over there was just a decadence that I could not afford.

So anyway, with a license comes some wheels. So I treated myself to a brand new Nissan City Micra. Nissan do them in 15 splendid colours all named after a particular city. I chose Madrid Black. Ain't she cute? Small and curvy...a bit like me.

Dontcha think it kinda looks like a London cab? So I've kinda driven one all along anyway! Kinda. As she resembles the famous car from the Big Smoke, I've naturally named her Queen Lizzy.

And If driving a black cab is good enough for Mossy...well then...you know the rest.

I have my nails done every two weeks like clockwork. So, inspired by my new ebony wheels I had them done like so...

I go to this Chinese Goddess named Nikki. She works from home and after having my nails done for 6 years, I can honestly say that she is the BEST. If you are a Perth lady, get your ass down there and 'ave her paint your talons. Here are her deets: Nikki from FUSION NAILS, Tel: 0431 600 373 - 5 ST LOUIS AVE, HOCKING - WA

Beep beep xx

Australia I'm proud of ya, I friggin love livin 'ere!

(That's my version of the Aussie anthem btw)

So here are a few reasons why being down under ain't so bad. This is my tribute to the country that has done right by me for the last two years.

• Your construction workers are mainly tanned, hard bodied young lads who work with their tops off and make walking past a building site a pleasurable experience. As opposed to the pasty white, chubby middle aged brickies in England who have 10 sugars in their morning brew and scream out, 'awight darlin, show us ya tits' as they bend over and give you a nice view of pasty white ass crack while you're on your way to work.
  
• You boast glorious things like cheese Twisties, RedSkins, and Tim Tam's.


• Because you are a relatively a new country your history or culture isn't as abundant as say your fellow continents Africa and Europe, therefore, music plays a large part in your lives. In a way music (whichever genre you prefer) becomes your culture. This is not a bad thing.


• Many of us can't stand the Southern Cross tattoo, mainly because the person often sporting it is a bit of a douche bag, but really, I kinda admire the patriotism.


• Summer music festivals. The line up, the pre drinks, the build up etc etc...it's better than Christmas.


• Cut Copy, Pnau, Nick Cave, Silverchair, Grinspoon, The Temper Trap, The Vines, The Presets, Children Collide, Tame Impala, Empire of the Sun, ACDC, Crowded House, Architecture in Helsinki etc. You get my drift.


• Coming from Cape Town I am no stranger to natural beauty, but your beaches just make me wanna strip all my clothes off and run into the ocean. The water is warm, the sand is white, the boys are buff and you may run the possibility of being saved by one of them.


• If you play your cards right, your government gives you a hefty tax rebate in June - trust me, this hardly ever happens anywhere else. Plus lets not forget those 900 big ones we got last year. Yes even me, the lowly African, received those $$$.


• You all have livers that could rival the Irish.


• Sass & Bide, Ksubi, Zimmerman, Lisa Ho - you might be a nation that predominately sports shorts and flip flops (thongs) but you have much talent as far as fashion goes.


• I make fun of ya, but I secretly love how you add an 'o' on the end of everything i.e. servo (petrol station), bottle'o (off license), traino (duh), arvo (afternoon) etc Some say lazy speakers I say genius.

I'm not sure why so many of you long to be inn Europe or America because I tell ya what, it's pretty damn fly (and many of 'em) right here on this big 'ol island. Fair dinkum. (Sorry. couldn't help myself).

Happy bloody Australia day!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente et un

TAKE OUT INSURANCE AND SAY YES TO EXTENDED WARRANTY - Yes yes, I KNOW you think it will all be fine and nothing will happen/break/get stolen/have red wine poured all over it, but trust me kittens, as they say...'shit happens'. The problem is, said shit will happen when you're warranty has run out. For like 9 bucks a week you are covered for thousands...so don't be a muppet and be insured. Otherwise, you will have to type your blog from a very un chic internet cafe instead of the privacy of your own pad. For instance.

DO NOT WATCH 'THE HILLS' - Like, I'm like so like totally serious like. I watched it for about 15 minutes and I could literally feel my brain start to crumble like the first cookie in the packet. What the FUCK is that shit?!

DO NOT SPRAY PERFUME ONTO YOUR COSTUME JEWELLERY - It turns it green. Not a good look darling.

IT'S OK TO HAVE YOUR BRA PEEKING THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES IF IT'S A PRETTY COLOUR - Nobody wants a glimpse of your over washed 'used-to-be-white' grey tit hammock, OK? A sexy sliver of turquoise strap or lacy pink peeking our the top of your dress is cute. Manky underwear or wearing your bra as a bikini top at festivals is a bit well...well I'm not gonna say it, but it rhymes with 'Right Mash'. Ya get me?

TRY TO KEEP YOUR PERSONAL PLANS TO YOURSELF UNTIL THEY ARE FINALISED - Otherwise all the little doubters out there get a smug little look on their face. And that will just piss you off. I've lived it, trust me.

Don't make me say I told you so x

(art by Motel 7)